Reading Artemis Fowl
by Kiryn
Summary: Join Artemis and Co. as they discover the Artemis Fowl books. My attempt to bring this slightly cliched plot into a new fandom. Possibly the first of its kind. Rating just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

It was extraordinary how versatile Artemis Fowl II's life could be. One day, it could be filled with heart-stopping adventures and clever plots to save the world. The next, completely and utterly boring.

So it was that Artemis Fowl could be found sitting in his study, staring at a blank computer screen. Even his genius brain couldn't come up with a distraction to alleviate the boredom that had descended Fowl Manor. Not to mention the guilt still eating away at the conscience of the young man (or boy, depending on how you looked at it).

Artemis was tempted to call his best friend (at least, he hoped she was), Holly Short. But Holly was often busy, and who knew what he could be interrupting. On the whole, it was much more logical to wait for her to contact him. If she did.

Suddenly, Artemis's phone rang. It was not, as he had hoped, the fairy communicator, but rather his pitiful (by comparison) cell phone. Meaning that it was most likely Minerva calling.

Stifling a tiny sigh, Artemis answered on the third ring.

"Yes?"

"Artemis, it's Minerva," said the voice of the girl he'd once admired, what seemed like a lifetime ago.

"I surmised as much. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Did you publish a book recently?"

Artemis was flummoxed, something that rarely happened. "What kind of question is that?"

"Did you or did you not publish a book called _Artemis Fowl_?"

"No, I didn't," said Artemis, still puzzled, a fact which annoyed him.

"It says it was written by a Eoin Colfer in 2001, but I thought that maybe you were using a pseudonym."

"No, I didn't write it. Is there any information given on the story? Perhaps written on the back?"

"The only thing it says is: '_Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with_.' There's also some strange symbols all over it."

Artemis drew in a sharp breath. "Oh no," he muttered to himself, "This is serious. Potentially dire."

"What?" said Minerva.

"Were there any other books, Minerva?" demanded Artemis, ignoring her question.

"There are five others. Why?"

"D'Arvit," swore Artemis, using a swear he'd picked up from Holly.

"What?" said Minerva again. "What does that mean?"

"I don't really know," said Artemis absently, occupied with coming up with the possible ramifications this book could have on the People.

"Listen, Minerva, I need you to do me a favor," said Artemis, his teeth nearly grinding over the word. "I need you to bring those books to Fowl Manor, the quicker the better."

"What? Why?" said Minerva, annoyed that the Irish genius hadn't really answered any of her questions.

"I need to show them to Holly."

"Holly? Your demon?"

Artemis sighed, although he felt a small desire to laugh. Clearly Minerva was very far behind the times when it came to knowledge about the fairy races.

"Yes, Holly. She needs to know about this."

"Fine," snapped Minerva, sounding slightly peevish. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you," said Artemis, disconnecting the line as he twisted the 'ring' he wore on his hand.

Time to do a bit of persuading.

*** A couple days later.

Once again in a matter of days, Fowl Manor had been transformed into a hive of activity in preparation to read the mysterious book.

"I tried to read a bit of it on the way over here," sulked Minerva. "But it wouldn't open."

Minerva had handed over the books, on one condition: that she'd remain present to read them.

Needless to say, Holly Short hadn't been pleased at that news. Artemis, Butler, and Juliet were all fine (though Juliet's mindwipe still hadn't been lifted, and she was still trying to cope with the strange creatures now before her eyes), and it was bad enough that Angeline Fowl was now in the loop after her run-in with Opal Koboi and had insisted on staying as well, wanting to get to know her eldest son's friends. But Minerva Paradizo?

"Holly, let's just roll with it, there's nothing we can do about it. We can always mindwipe her," said Foaly from the computer screen he had set up to view the proceedings.

"You will not!" objected Minerva.

"Do you even know what a mindwipe is?" asked Holly.

"No," admitted Minerva reluctantly. "But you're still not doing it!"

"Well, you'll find out soon enough, Mud Girl," said Mulch, working his way through a sandwich.

"I love books!" exclaimed N*1 happily. "Cherish, delight, enjoy…"

"Right," said Artemis. "I believe I shall read first."

And so it was that Artemis, Holly, Butler, Juliet, Angeline, Minerva, Foaly, Mulch, and N*1 sat down to read the strange yellow book.

"**Prologue**," he read.

**How does one describe Artemis Fowl?**

Holly: I can think of several words.

Artemis: How many of them are pleasant?

Holly: You're a smart Mud Boy. I'm sure you could figure it out.

**Various psychiatrists have tried and failed. The main problem is Artemis's own intelligence.**

Artemis: No, the problem is their own stupidity.

Angeline: Arty!

Artemis: Sorry, Mom.

Foaly: There's something you don't see every day. Artemis Fowl, actually apologizing to someone.

**He bamboozles every test thrown at him. **

Mulch: Really? I never would have guessed it.

**He has puzzled the greatest medical minds, and sent many of them gibbering to their own hospitals.**

Mulch: Say it isn't so! Not our little Arty!

Angeline sighs.

**There is no doubt that Artemis is a child prodigy. **

Minerva: (pouting) I'm a child prodigy.

Holly: Maybe so, but you aren't as good as Artemis.

Artemis: Was that an actual compliment, Captain?

Minerva: Am too!

Holly: Then how come we were able to rescue N*1?

Butler: Moving on.

**But why does someone of such brilliance dedicate himself to criminal activities? **

Angeline: And what does that mean?

Artemis: Er…

Mulch: Busted.

**This is a question that can be answered by one person. And he delights in not talking.**

Juliet: Ain't that the truth.

**Perhaps the best way to create an accurate picture of Artemis is to tell the by now famous account of his first villainous venture.**

Holly: When we first met, presumably.

Foaly: If you could call it meeting.

Angeline: Arty…

Artemis: Mom! This happened years ago.

Angeline: Still…

**I have put together this report from firsthand interviews with the victims, and as the tale unfolds, you will realize that this was not easy.**

Holly: I don't remember talking to anyone.

Mulch: Me neither.

Holly: Mulch, you weren't a victim.

Butler: Yeah, more like I was a victim of you.

**The story began several years ago at the dawn of the twenty-first century. Artemis Fowl had devised a plan to restore his family's fortune. A plan that could topple civilizations and plunge the planet into a cross-species war.**

Minerva: Is this what you meant? About me making the same mistakes you did?

Artemis: Yes. Although, now that I think about it, it was probably the smartest thing I'd ever done.

Holly: (suspiciously) Oh yeah? Why?

Artemis: Well, if this had never happened, then I would never have met you, Holly, and I'd never have found out about the fairies.

Minerva: Fairies?

Foaly: (ignoring Minerva) Suppose it was ultimately a good thing all around.

Holly: (smiling slightly) Speak for yourself.

**He was twelve years old at the time….**

Minerva: I was younger than you when I started with my plan! Take that, Artemis!

Artemis: Think again, Minerva.

Butler: Who gets the next chapter?

Artemis: The first chapter, you mean.

Mulch: (impatiently) Does it matter?

N*1: (enthusiastically) I will!


	2. Chapter 2: The Book

A/N: I'm still learning the ropes of this whole thing, so bear with me. A few things I wanted to mention last chapter. First of all, I'm not going to beg you guys to review at the end of every chapter, so I'll just put it here once. I like reviews, you can even flame if you want. And I will try to respond to all reviews. Second, I'll only continue this so long as you guys want me to. I might put something up whenever I get bored, but I'm not going to waste my time and energy typing out the chapters for nothing. Just so you're aware. And yes, this story is a bit clichéd, but I've always been fond of its brother and sister stories in the Harry Potter and Twilight sections. So I decided to give Artemis Fowl a go. If you want other characters to join in, or have some taken out, let me know and I'll consider it. WARNING: The characters will probably be OOC at times. It's a humor fic and an unrealistic scenario. It will happen. And no, this story doesn't really have a plot, but I hope that my writing and set up are not too terrible. This will also have no pairings in it. A little something might be slipped into book 6, but, again, I don't know. Oh, and as far as N*1's name goes…pretend the asterisk is the little number/degree/little circle thing. Will I do all six books? I don't know, maybe. Like I said, it all depends on you.

Disclaimer: All the writing in bold and the characters belong to Eoin Colfer. If it was mine, I'd be writing the seventh book and not be bothering with fanfiction at all. No…I'm just a poor, starving college student trying to break up the monotony of homework. All clear? Okay, on we go. This chapter is dedicated to latravita, my first reviewer, and The One Called Demetra, for deeming my fic worthy for review and for the advice.

N*1 eagerly took the book from Artemis's grasp, bouncing a little in his seat. The little imp cleared his throat.

**Chapter 1: The Book**

Foaly: Oh, so we get to learn how you pulled off that little feat.

Artemis: I suppose so.

Holly: Joy. What did you do, Artemis? Have Butler scare some poor fairy?

Artemis: …Not exactly.

Minerva: What book is it referring to, exactly?

Artemis: I'm sure it will explain in the chapter. N*1, continue.

N*1: My pleasure. Happiness…

Mulch clears his throat.

N*1: Right. Continuing…

**Ho Chi Minh City in the summer. **

Angeline: Arty, pray tell, what are you doing there?

Artemis: Continue reading, N*1. Moth---Mom, I'm sure all will be explained in a few minutes.

**Sweltering by anyone's standards. Needless to say, Artemis Fowl would not have been willing to put up with such discomfort if something extremely important had not been at stake. Important to the plan.**

Foaly: Plan to get the Book, I suppose?

Artemis: Maybe…

Foaly: That's what I thought.

**Sun did not suit Artemis.**

Mulch: It doesn't suit me either, Arty boy.

**He did not look well in it. Long hours indoors in front of a computer screen had bleached the glow from his skin. He was white as a vampire and almost as testy in the light of day.**

Mulch: At least it doesn't burn you in minutes.

Artemis: At least there's that.

Foaly: It'd be pretty funny though, to see you turn bright, boiling lobster red. Remind me to snap a picture if it ever happens.

Artemis: Yes, Foaly, I will most definitely be sure to remind you.

Foaly: I was talking to Holly, Mud Boy.

Holly: You don't need to tell me twice.

"**I hope this isn't another wild goose chase, Butler," he said, his voice soft and clipped. "Especially after Cairo."**

Angeline: _Cairo?_

Mulch: Why would a fairy be in Cairo?

Minerva: I thought he was searching for a book.

Holly: Yes, but he needs to swipe the book from a fairy.

Minerva: Oh…

Mulch: Still, Cairo? Too much sun, by any fairy standards.

Artemis: Mulch, I didn't know that much about fairies then.

Mulch: Someone's defensive.

**It was a gentle rebuke. They had traveled to Egypt on the word of Butler's informant.**

"**No, sir. I'm certain this time. Nguyen is a good man."**

"**Hmm," droned Artemis, unconvinced.**

Holly: I know what that's like. Even if it's staring at you in the face, you still won't believe it.

Artemis: Excuse me?

Holly: Eleven Wonders ring any bells?

Artemis: Oh. Well, that really wasn't my fault. _Someone_ had wiped my memory and engineered it so that it would be almost impossible to have any recall triggered.

Foaly: Moving on. And it's not my fault that my technology is so amazing.

**Passersby would have been amazed to hear the large Eurasian man refer to the boy as **_**sir**_**. **

Holly: It is disconcerting, until you get used to it.

**This was, after all, the third millennium. But this was no ordinary relationship, and these were no ordinary tourists.**

Juliet: They never are.

Angeline sighs again.

**They were sitting outside a curbside café on Dong Khai Street, watching the local teenagers circle the square on mopeds.**

**Nguyen was late, and the pathetic patch of shade provided by the umbrella was doing little to improve Artemis's mood. But this was just his daily pessimism. **

Holly: I'd be really scared if you were optimistic and cheerful

Artemis: Thank you ever so much, Captain.

**Beneath the sulk was a spark of hope. Would they find the Book? It was too much to hope for.**

**A waiter scurried to their table.**

Minerva: Hmm…

Juliet: What?

Minerva: Something tells me that's not really a waiter.

"**More tea, sirs?" he asked, head bobbing furiously.**

**Artemis sighed. "Spare me the theatrics and sit down."**

Minerva nodded her head, satisfied that she was correct.

**The waiter turned instinctively to Butler, who was after all, the adult.**

Artemis: (grumbling slightly) That happens every time.

Minerva: I know how you feel.

"**But sir, I am the waiter."**

Foaly: (snorting) Sure, and I'm a donkey.

Mulch: Well, if you put it like that, then I'm sure he's really a waiter.

Foaly: Be grateful I'm actually miles below ground.

Mulch: Hey, don't get your tail tied in a knot. It's not my fault you walked right into that one.

**Artemis tapped the table for attention.**

"**You are wearing handmade loafers, a silk shirt, and three gold signet rings. Your English has a tinge of Oxford about it, and your nails have the soft sheen of the recently manicured. You are not a waiter. You are our contact Nguyen Xuan, and you have adopted this pathetic disguise to check for weaponry."**

Angeline: Artemis…

Artemis: What? It was true, and elementary to spot.

Angeline: You could still have been nicer about it.

Holly: When that day comes, Mrs. Fowl, please let me know, because I would really like to see it.

Artemis: Your faith in me is staggering, Holly.

**Nguyen's shoulders sagged. "It is true. Amazing."**

"**Hardly. A ragged apron does not a waiter make."**

Juliet: Was that sarcasm?

Mulch: Was that?

Juliet: You need to ask?

Holly: Quit it you too. Honestly, Juliet barely remembers you and you're already at it again.

Mulch: You're one to talk.

Holly: What was that?

Mulch: Nothing.

**Nguyen sat, pouring some mint tea into a tiny china cup.**

"**Let me fill you in on the weapon status," continued Artemis. "I am unarmed." **

Mulch: You know, somehow, I don't think you're the one he's worried about.

"**But Butler here, my…ah…butler,"**

Holly: (rolling her eyes) Sure, that's all he is.

"**Has a Sig Sauer in his shoulder holster, two shrike-throwing knives in his boots, a derringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrotte wire in his watch, and three stun grenades concealed in various pockets. Anything else, Butler?"**

Minerva: How on earth do you get through security of any kind?

Butler: Practice.

Foaly: Lots of practice, I don't doubt.

"**The cosh, sir."**

"**Oh, yes. A good old ball bearing cosh stuffed down his shirt."**

**Nguyen brought the cup trembling to his lips.**

Mulch: I don't blame him.

"**Don't be alarmed, Mister Xuan." Artemis smiled. **

Juliet: Yeah, he has that effect on almost everyone.

"**The weapons will not be used on you."**

**Nguyen didn't seem reassured.**

Mulch: I wouldn't be, either.

"**No," continued Artemis. "Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without the use of his weapons. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient."**

Holly: Gods Artemis, don't scare him.

Foaly: I think it's a little late for that.

Artemis: Besides which, that was the point.

Angeline: Artemis, we need to sit down sometime and have a talk about communication skills.

Butler: That's what I said.

**Nguyen was by now thoroughly spooked. Artemis generally had that effect on people. **

Juliet: The book's right. You're really creepy sometimes.

Foaly: Sometimes?

Artemis: Excuse me. I happen to be sitting in the room.

N*1: I like you, Artemis.

Artemis: Thank you, N*1, for being one of the only considerate beings here.

Minerva: Hey! I didn't say anything!

Holly: Calm down, Mud Girl. He said 'one of the only'. Honestly, and you're supposed to be intelligent.

Minerva: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you say that.

Holly: So what was the point of me saying it?

Artemis: And obviously you heard it, as otherwise you wouldn't be referencing to it.

Minerva: Whose side are you on?

Artemis: The winning side. In this case, Holly's.

**A pale adolescent speaking with the authority and vocabulary of a powerful adult. Nguyen had heard of the name Fowl before—who hadn't in the international underworld?—but he'd assumed he'd be dealing with Artemis senior, not this boy.**

Artemis: (sputtering) Boy? _Boy?_ Who is he calling a boy?

Holly: Why are you getting so worked up? Everyone thinks that when they meet you. Besides, I call you a boy all the time, and you're not sputtering at me.

Artemis: That's different. I'm not trying to impress or intimidate you.

Holly: Hmm. Just as well, I suppose, because otherwise you've failed miserably.

Artemis: Excuse me?

Holly: What? You expect me to be intimidated by a skinny little Mud Boy?

**Though "boy" hardly seemed to do this gaunt individual justice. **

Artemis: That's better, I suppose.

Holly: 'Justice'. Oh, the irony.

**And the giant, Butler. **

Mulch: Ah, there's so many things to be said about Butler. Like how wonderful he looks covered in recycling.

Butler: How about how wonderful he looks with a gun in his hand?

Mulch: Point taken.

**It was obvious that he could snap a man's backbone like a twig with those mammoth hands. Nguyen was starting to think that no amount of money was worth another minute in this strange company.**

Juliet: And stranger company you'll never find.

Foaly: Um, hello? How about under your feet?

Mulch: Glad to see you're admitting it, centaur.

Foaly: I was talking about us collectively, dwarf.

Mulch: But none of the rest of us are belowground at the moment, now are we?

"**And now to business," said Artemis, placing a micro recorder on the table. "You answered our Web advertisement."**

Foaly: Web advertisement? How quaint.

**Nguyen nodded, suddenly praying that his information was accurate.**

Holly: Too bad it was.

Artemis: That hurts, Holly.

Holly: It was meant to.

"**Yes, Mister…Master Fowl. What you're looking for…I know where it is."**

"**Really? And am I supposed to take your word for this? You could be walking me straight into an ambush. My family is not without enemies."**

Juliet: Not surprising, really.

Angeline: (heatedly) Timmy is a good man!

Juliet: I was talking about Arty. The way he talks to other people most of the time, it's a miracle he's still alive.

Angeline: Oh… If this…interview is any indication, I see what you mean.

Artemis: Mother!

Holly: I told you. Bad karma.

**Butler snatched a mosquito out of the air beside his employer's ear.**

Mulch: Did you eat it?

Butler: …No…

Mulch: Pity. Which reminds me, I could do with a snack right now.

Minerva: How does that remind you?

Artemis: Trust me, don't ask. You don't want to know.

Minerva: …That bad?

Holly: Worse.

"**No, no," said Nguyen, reaching for his wallet. "Here, look."**

Mulch: At what?

Foaly: It's in the book, moron.

Mulch: No need to be so mean about it.

**Artemis studied the Polaroid. He willed his heart to maintain a calm beat. It seemed promising, but anything could be faked these days with a PC and flatbed scanner.**

Foaly: (snorts) Humans. You're such barbarians.

Minerva: We are not!

Artemis: He means in terms of our technology.

Minerva: Oh…but still!

Artemis: Actually Minerva, compared to fairies we really are.

Foaly: In more ways than one. My comment could actually go both ways.

**The picture showed a hand reaching from layered shadows. A mottled green hand.**

Holly: Sprites. They never did have much common sense.

Foaly: Something you have in common.

Holly: I do too have common sense!

Foaly: …Where?

Holly: At least I wouldn't have given Artemis a copy of the Book.

Foaly: True, true.

"**Hmm," he murmured. "Explain."**

"**This woman. She is a healer, near Tu Do Street. She works in exchange for rice wine. All the time, drunk."**

Foaly: Ah…an outcast fairy.

Holly: We really should keep an eye on them.

Mulch: No, you shouldn't.

Foaly: (mockingly) I wonder why you wouldn't want us to?

**Artemis nodded. It made sense.**

Minerva: What did?

Mulch: Ooh! The Mud Maid didn't know something!

Minerva: (scowling) Shut up.

**The drinking. One of the few consistent facts his research had unearthed. **

Foaly: Hmm. That must have been some thorough research, to get consistent facts.

Artemis: By the way, Foaly, do you purposefully mix online databases about the People up?

Foaly: Yep. It's amazing what humans will believe.

Artemis: I thought so.

**He stood, pulling the creases from his white polo shirt.**

"**Very well. Lead on, Mister Xuan."**

**Nguyen wiped the sweat from his stringy mustache.**

Juliet: I bet that's exactly what he wanted to hear.

"**Information only. That was the agreement. I don't want any curses on my head."**

Mulch: Bit late for that. Arty's mere presence is a curse.

Artemis: I beg your pardon?

Mulch: Why else would I keep getting dragged back into your little adventures in usually risky and life-threatening position?

**Butler expertly gripped the informant behind the neck.**

Juliet: And cue Arty getting whatever he wants.

Artemis: You make it sound like I'm having a tantrum.

Juliet: That's because this _is_ your version of a tantrum.

"**I'm sorry, Mister Xuan, but the time when you had a choice in matters is long past."**

**Butler steered the protesting Vietnamese man to the rented four-wheel drive, that was hardly necessary on the flat streets of Ho Chi Minh City, or Saigon as the locals still called it, but Artemis preferred to be as insulated from civilians as possible.**

Holly: So nothing has changed, then.

**The jeep inched forward at a painfully slow rate, made all the more excruciating by the anticipation building in Artemis's chest. He could suppress it no longer. Could they at last be at the end of their quest?**

Foaly: Nope, this is just the beginning.

**After six false alarms across three continents, **

Angeline: What?! Excuse me?

Artemis: Honestly Mom, it's really not that big of a deal.

Angeline: Somehow I don't find that very comforting.

Foaly: You shouldn't.

**Could this wine-sodden healer be the gold at the end of the rainbow? **

All the fairies snort.

**Artemis almost chuckled. Gold at the end of the rainbow. He'd made a joke. Now there's something that didn't happen every day.**

Holly: You do pick the strangest moments to crack jokes.

Angeline: I don't think I want to know how you know that, or what kind of situations those might be.

Mulch: Don't worry. Judging from the way this is going, you'll find out anyway.

Angeline groans.

**The mopeds parted like fish in a giant shoal. There seemed to be no end to the crowds. Even the alleyways were full to bursting with vendors and hagglers. Cooks dropped fish heads into woks of hissing oil, and urchins threaded their way underfoot searching for unguarded valuables. Others sat in the shade, wearing out their thumbs on Game Boys.**

Foaly: Game Boys. I don't even think we have those in museums.

**Nguyen was sweating right through his khaki top. It wasn't the humidity, he was used to that. It was this whole cursed situation. He should've known better than to mix magic and crime. **

Holly: The same could be said about someone else I know.

Artemis: And yet you always want my criminal brain to help you save the fairy world, at the very least.

Holly: Touché

**He made a silent promise that if he got out of this, he would change his ways. No more answering shady Internet requests, and certainly no more consorting with the sons of European crime lords. **

**The Jeep could go only so far. Eventually the side streets grew too narrow for the four-wheel drive. Artemis turned to Nguyen. "It seems we must proceed on foot, Mister Xuan. Run if you like, but expect a sharp and fatal pain between your shoulder blades."**

Mulch: Charming and pleasant as always, I see.

**Nguyen glanced into Butler's eyes. They were a deep blue, almost black. There was no mercy in those eyes. "Don't worry," he said. "I won't run."**

Juliet: Wise decision.

**They climbed down from the vehicle. A thousand suspicious eyes followed their progress along the steaming alley. An unfortunate pickpocket attempted to steal Butler's wallet. The manservant broke the man's fingers without looking down. They were given a wide berth after that.**

Mulch: Not even I would try to steal the Mud Mountain's wallet, and I'd have a better chance of success.

Foaly: Does this mean that you have a brain, Mulch?

Mulch: Does this mean you look like a donkey, Foaly?

**The alley narrowed to a rutted lane. Sewage and drainpipes fed directly on to the muddy surface.**

Juliet: (wrinkling her nose) Eww. Totally gross.

**Cripples and beggars huddled on rice-mat islands. Most of the residents of this lane had nothing to spare, with the exception of three.**

Mulch: I wonder who they would be?

"**Well?" demanded Artemis. "Where is she?"**

Foaly: She's the one dancing the can-can right in front of you. Where do you think, genius boy?

N*1: I think she's hidden.

Mulch: Thank you for pointing out the obvious.

N*1: You're welcome, Mulch.

**Nguyen jabbed a finger toward a black triangle beneath a rusted fire escape. **

"**There. Under there. She never comes out. **

Holly: Of course not. Even with no magic, she wouldn't like the sun.

**Even to buy rice spirits she sends a runner. Now, can I go?"**

Juliet: Nope.

**Artemis didn't bother answering.**

Holly: When does he ever?

Artemis: I do too.

Holly: No you don't. You purposefully leave things out.

Artemis: Only sometimes.

Holly: By whose definition?

**Instead he picked his way across the puddle lane to the lee of the fire escape. He could discern furtive movements in the shadows.**

"**Butler, could you hand me the goggles?"**

**Butler plucked a set of night-vision glasses from his belt and placed them in Artemis's outstretched hand. The focus motor buzzed to suit the light.**

**Artemis fixed the glasses to his face. Everything became radioactive green. **

Foaly: Human technology. It's so cute.

**Taking a deep breath he turned his gaze to the squirming shadows. Something squatted on a raffia mat, shifting uneasily in the almost nonexistent light. **

Mulch: Key word being almost. Of course it's uncomfortable. Daylight, and surrounded by humans.

**Artemis fine-tuned the focus. The figure was small, abnormally so, and wrapped in a filthy shawl. Empty spirit jugs were half-buried in the mud around her. One forearm poked from the material. It seemed green. **

Juliet: Isn't everything, though?

**But then, so did everything else.**

"**Madam," he said. "I have a proposition for you."**

Holly: That's one way of putting it.

**The figure's head wobbled sleepily.**

"**Wine," she rasped, her voice like nails on a school board. **

Minerva: (wincing slightly) Now that's a lovely mental image.

"**Wine, English."**

**Artemis smiled. The gift of tongues, check. Aversion to light, check.**

Mulch: And you say that you don't really know anything about us.

Artemis: I never said that. I said I didn't know _as much_ back then.

Mulch: Whatever, Mud Boy.

"**Irish, actually. Now, about my proposition?"**

**The healer shook a bony finger craftily. "Wine first. Then talk."**

"**Butler?"**

**The bodyguard reached into a pocket, and drew out a half pint of the finest Irish whiskey.**

Holly: Why do I have a bad feeling about that bottle?

Foaly: Because you know Artemis well enough to know that he could put a trick into a crisp?

Holly: That answers my question.

Artemis: Thank you, my dearest friends. Your trust in me is overwhelming.

**Artemis took the bottle and held it teasingly beyond the shadows. He barely had time to remove his goggles when the claw-like hand darted from the gloom to snatch the whiskey. A mottled green hand. There was no doubt.**

Foaly: Nope. We would never be that lucky.

**Artemis swallowed a triumphant grin.**

"**Pay our friend, Butler. In full. Remember, Mister Xuan, this is between us. You don't want Butler to come back, do you?"**

Mulch: Does anyone?

Holly: Not if he's against you, at the very least. When he's on your side, it's a different case entirely.

"**No, no, Master Fowl. My lips are sealed."**

Juliet: I sense another threat about Butler coming…

"**They had better be. Or Butler will seal them permanently."**

Juliet: Ah, there it is.

**Nguyen skipped off down the alley, so relieved to be alive that he didn't even bother counting the sheaf of U.S. currency. Most unlike him. In any event, it was all there. **

Angeline: Was it really?

Artemis: Yes, Mom.

Angeline: Well, at least you were honest about that.

**All twenty thousand dollars. Not bad for half an hour's work.**

Mulch: That is so unfair. He gets all that while I get what? Nothing, if I'm lucky?

Artemis: I'm not the one who sets your deals.

Mulch: Still…

**Artemis turned back to the healer. **

Holly: Healer? Don't make me laugh.

Artemis: We can't all be like you, Captain Short.

Holly: I'm not sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or an insult.

Artemis: And that was the point.

"**Now, madam, you have something that I want."**

**The healer's tongue caught a drop of alcohol at the corner of her mouth.**

"**Yes, Irish. Sore head. Bad tooth. I heal."**

Holly snorts.

**Artemis replaced the night-vision goggles and squatted to her level.**

Juliet: You didn't have to travel far. (Noticing Artemis's glare) What? You were short back then.

Artemis: Maybe that's because I was twelve.

Juliet: That's no excuse.

"**I am perfectly healthy, madam, apart from a slight dust-mite allergy, and I don't think even you can do anything about that. No. What I want from you is your Book."**

Holly: And here we go.

**The hag froze. Bright eyes glinted from beneath the shawl.**

"**Book?" she said cautiously. "I don't know about no book. I am healer. You want book, go to library."**

Mulch: She needs to learn to lie better.

Foaly: For once, I agree.

Artemis: I would have been able to tell anyway.

Mulch: Still doesn't hurt to cultivate the talent.

**Artemis sighed with exaggerated patience. **

Juliet: Yeah, because when is he ever patient.

Artemis: Now that is unfair Juliet. I do too have patience.

N*1: No, you really don't.

Foaly: And when N*1 says it, you know it's the truth.

"**You are no healer. You are a sprite, p'shog, fairy, ka-dalun. Whichever language you prefer to use. And I want your Book."**

Mulch: Pushy human, aren't you?

**For a long moment, the creature said nothing, then she threw back the shawl from her forehead. In the green glow of the night-vision goggles, her features leaped at Artemis like a Halloween mask. The fairy's nose was long and hooked under two slitted golden eyes. Her ears were pointed, and the alcohol addiction had melted her skin like putty.**

Holly: It's almost like she's trying to intimidate you.

Artemis: You would know, wouldn't you?

Holly: Can you blame me?

Artemis: (sighing) No, I can't.

"**If you know about the Book, human," she said slowly, fighting the numbing effects of the whiskey, "then you know about the magic I have in my fist. I can kill you with a snap of my fingers!"**

Holly: (with a faint hint of bitterness, as those words were very similar to her own) Don't even try. It doesn't work with him.

Artemis: Sorry, Holly.

Holly: (sighing) It's alright. This book is just going to be a little hard on me.

Minerva: How? You're not even in it yet.

Holly: Of course I'm not, it's only the first chapter. As for the rest…you'll see.

**Artemis shrugged. "I think not. Look at you. You are near dead. The rice wine has dulled your senses. Reduced to healing warts. Pathetic. I am here to save you, in return for the Book."**

"**What could a human want with our Book?"**

Holly: You wouldn't like the answer.

"**That is no concern of yours. All you need to know are your options."**

**The sprite's pointed ears quivered. "Options?"**

"**One, you refuse to give us the Book and we go home, leaving you to rot in this sewer."**

Foaly: Uh-huh. Sure Arty, I really believe you would do that.

"**Yes," said the fairy. "I choose this option."**

"**Ah no. Don't be so eager. If we leave without the Book, you will be dead in a day."**

Foaly: Looks like you were right about that bottle, Holly.

Mulch looks suspiciously at the carton of apple juice he's consuming, among other things.

"**A day! A day!" the healer laughed. "I will outlive you by a century. Even fairies tethered to the human realm can survive the ages."**

"**Not with half a pint of holy water inside them," said Artemis, tapping the now empty whiskey bottle.**

Holly: (scandalized) Holy water?! Artemis, you didn't!

Artemis: I didn't.

Holly: Am I honestly supposed to believe that?

Artemis: No.

**The fairy blanched, then screamed, a high keening horrible sound.**

"**Holy water! You have murdered me, human."**

Foaly: Well, really, what did she expect? It's a human.

Minerva: And what's that supposed to mean?

Foaly: That they're greedy, and will do almost anything to get what they want.

Angeline: (softly) Not all humans.

Holly: Everyone has a price, even fairies.

"**True," admitted Artemis. "It should start to burn any minute now."**

Angeline: ARTEMIS! This is nothing to be blasé about!

Artemis: I know, Mom. But she was never in any real danger.

Holly: (sniffs) I think I've heard that one before.

**The fairy poked her stomach tentatively. "The second option?"**

"**Listening now, are we? Very well then. Option two. You give me the Book for thirty minutes only. Then I return your magic to you."**

Foaly: I was going to say that's not possible, but then I remembered who we're talking about.

**The sprite's jaw dropped. "Return my magic? Not possible."**

Butler: Famous last words.

Holly: And you should know.

"**Oh, but it is. I have in my possession two ampoules. One, a vial of spring water from the fairy well sixty meters below the ring of Tara—possibly the most magical place on Earth. This will counteract the holy water."**

Foaly: It's amazing you don't spot fairies on tour there all the time.

"**And the other?"**

"**The other is a little shot of man-made magic. A virus that feeds on alcohol, mixed with a growth agent. It will flush every drop of rice wine from your body, remove the dependence, and even bolster your failing liver. It'll be messy, but after a day you'll be zipping around as though were a thousand years old again."**

Foaly: Hmm. That could work.

Artemis: Do you really doubt me?

Foaly: Not anymore.

**The sprite licked her lips. To be able to rejoin the People? Tempting.**

Holly: Except that you wouldn't be able to rejoin the People.

Minerva: Why not?

Holly: Almost forgot you were there, Minerva. You'll find out soon, I don't doubt.

"**How do I know to trust you, human? You have tricked me once already."**

Mulch: Ah, so she's finally wising up.

Foaly: It's a bit too late for that.

Mulch: I suppose so.

"**Good point. Here's the deal. I give you the water on faith. Then, after I've had a look at the Book, you get the booster. Take it or leave it."**

Artemis: See? I would never have killed her.

Holly: Thank the gods for small miracles.

Angeline: Good boy, Arty.

**The fairy considered. The pain was already curling around her abdomen. She thrust out her wrist.**

"**I'll take it."**

"**I thought you might. Butler?"**

Mulch: Well really. Who could refuse an offer like that?

**The giant manservant unwrapped a soft Velcroed case containing a syringe gun and two vials. He loaded the clear one, shooting it into the sprite's clammy arm. The fairy stiffened momentarily, and then relaxed.**

"**Strong magic," she breathed.**

"**Yes. But not as strong as your own will be when I give you the second injection. Now, the Book."**

Foaly: Think again, Mud Boy.

Artemis: What?

Holly: Sprites hardly have any magic.

Artemis: Hmm. You really need to teach me about fairy genealogy sometime.

N*1: Can it wait until after the book?

Artemis: Yes. Continue, please.

**The sprite reached into the folds of her filthy robe, rummaging for an age. Artemis held his breath. This was it. Soon the Fowls would be great again. A new empire would rise, with Artemis Fowl the Second at its head.**

Angeline: (sighs) Arty, you're too young to worry about those things.

Artemis: (quietly) It was necessary, Mother.

Angeline cringes.

**The fairy woman withdrew a closed fist.**

"**No use to you anyway. Written in the old tongue."**

Holly: No use to normal humans, would have been more accurate.

**Artemis nodded, not trusting himself to speak.**

Mulch: That's another first. It's like Foaly being modest about an invention.

**She opened her knobbly fingers. Lying in her palm was a tiny golden volume the size of a matchbox.**

Minerva: That's it?

Holly: It's fairy-sized! Now shut up!

"**Here, human. Thirty of your minutes. No more."**

Foaly: Thirty minutes. That's all it takes to change the world.

Mulch: Scary, when you think about it.

Foaly: So are you, passing wind.

**Butler took the tiny tome reverentially. The bodyguard activated a compact digital camera and began photographing each wafer-thin page of the Book. The process took several minutes. When he was finished, the entire volume was stored on the camera's chip. Artemis preferred not to take chances with information. Airport security equipment had been known to wipe many a vital disk. So he instructed his aide to transfer the file to his portable phone, and from there e-mail it to Fowl Manor in Dublin. Before the thirty minutes were up, the file containing every symbol in the Fairy Book was sitting safely in the Fowl server.**

Holly: I wouldn't say safely.

**Artemis returned the tiny volume to its owner.**

Foaly: At least he didn't steal that.

Mulch: Would be funny if he did though, seeing as it would blow up in his face.

Artemis: Thanks Mulch, I never knew you cared so much.

"**Nice doing business with you."**

**The sprite lurched to her knees. "The other potion, human?"**

**Artemis smiled. "Oh, yes, the restoring booster. I suppose I did promise."**

"**Yes. Human promised."**

Holly: Promises sometimes don't mean much with Artemis.

Minerva: Really?

Holly: Depends on who he's promising, and what.

Artemis: Well, that is true.

"**Very well. But before we administer it, I must warn you that purging is not pleasant. You're not going to enjoy this one bit."**

**The fairy gestured around her at the squalid filth. "You think I enjoy this? I want to fly again."**

Foaly: (snorts) Flying. That's all sprites care about. Worse than elves when it comes to that.

Holly very maturely sticks her tongue out at the centaur.

**Butler loaded the second vial, shooting this one straight into the carotid artery.**

**The sprite immediately collapsed on the mat, her entire frame quivering violently.**

"**Time to leave," commented Artemis. "A hundred years of alcohol leaving a body by any means possible is not a pretty sight."**

Holly: (shuddering) That'd be like Mulch times a hundred.

Mulch: Imagine if it was me…

All, except Minerva and Angeline, shudder.

Minerva: What are you all talking about?

Juliet: You'll get to know all too soon.

**The Butlers had been serving the Fowls for centuries. It had always been that way. Indeed, there were several eminent linguists of the opinion that this was how the common noun had originated. The first record of this unusual arrangement was when Virgil Butler had been contracted as servant, bodyguard, and cook to Lord Hugo de Fole for one of the first great Norman crusades.**

Minerva: Fascinating.

Mulch: Boring! N*1, hurry up, so we can get to the good part!

Butler: Which is?

Mulch: When I come in, of course!

Foaly: And people say I'm narcissistic.

Holly: You are.

N*1: CONTINUING!

**At the age of ten, Butler children were sent to a private training center in Israel, where they were taught the specialized skills necessary to guard the latest in the Fowl line. These skills included Cordon Bleu cooking, marksmanship, a customized blend of martial arts, emergency medicine, and information technology. If, at the end of their training, there was not a Fowl to guard, then the Butlers were eagerly snapped up as bodyguards for various royal personages, generally in Monaco or Saudi Arabia.**

**Once a Fowl and a Butler were put together, they were paired for life. It was a demanding job, and lonely, but the rewards were handsome if you survived to enjoy them. **

Mulch: Well, that's a cheerful outlook to have.

**If not, then your family received a six-figure settlement plus a monthly pension.**

**The current Butler had been guarding young Master Artemis for twelve years, since the moment of his birth. And, though they adhered to the age-old formalities, they were much more than master and servant. Artemis was the closest thing Butler had to a friend, and Butler was the closest Artemis had to a father, albeit one who obeyed orders.**

Holly: It's no wonder you turned out the way you did.

Artemis: I'll take that as a compliment.

Holly: If you want to, go right ahead. I won't stop you.

**Butler held his tongue until they were aboard the Heathrow connection from Bangkok, then he had to ask.**

Mulch: Ask what?

"**Artemis?"**

**Artemis looked up from the screen of his PowerBook. He was getting a head start on the translation.**

Foaly: Already impatient to start plotting?

Artemis: As a matter of fact, yes.

Foaly: Knew it.

"**Yes?"**

"**The sprite. Why didn't we simply keep the Book and leave her to die?"**

Foaly: The soldier just had to ask.

"**A corpse is evidence, Butler. My way, the People will have no reason to be suspicious."**

Holly: We still wouldn't have realized. The LEP doesn't really keep tabs on rogue fairies.

"**But the sprite?"**

"**I hardly think she will confess to showing humans the Book. In any case, I mixed a slight amnesiac into her second injection. When she finally wakes up, the last week will be a blur."**

**Butler nodded appreciatively. Always two steps ahead, that was Master Artemis.**

Holly: A good thing if you're on his side.

Foaly: Too bad we weren't.

**People said he was a chip off the old block. They were wrong. Master Artemis was a brand-new block, the likes of which had never been seen before.**

Mulch: Truer words never spoken.

Artemis: Thank you.

Holly: I wouldn't take it as a compliment.

Foaly: So says 'the crazy girlie captain'.

Holly: Shut up, Foaly.

**Doubts assuaged, Butler returned to his copy of **_**Guns and Ammo**_**, leaving his employer to unravel the secrets of the universe.**

N*1: And that's that chapter done. Finished. Over.

Mulch: So who takes the next chapter?

Juliet: I will.

Chapter 3 should be winging your way by next weekend. Thanks for reading, and to all those who reviewed. Until next time.

~Kiryn


	3. Chapter 3: Translation

A/N: Hello, everyone! Yes, I am alive…just buried under school work. Anyway, here's Chapter 3 for your viewing pleasure. I realized how tough it is to personally answer every review, so I'll just say thanks to all you kind people here. I'll answer specific questions, though. 

As far as Butler's infrequent comments goes…it's just the way his character is. He's not really much for chatter, and is more likely to be found surveying and keeping an eye on his surroundings. I'm trying to have him comment as often as possible, I swear!

Disclaimer: I own nothing in bold. I couldn't even imitate his accent, let alone have the ability to create this.

Mulch: Alright, get a move on, Stinker.

Juliet: Maybe I would if you would shut up, Smelly.

Butler: I think we've already used up our quota for miracles today.

Holly: Yes, I would dearly love to see the situation in which Mulch would keep his mouth shut.

Mulch: Ha ha, yes, you are all terribly amusing.

**Chapter 2: Translation**

Mulch: Isn't the book written in spirals?

Foaly: The dwarf is actually right for once. I am rather curious as to how you pulled this one off.

Mulch: Excuse me? I have been right on more than just this occasion!

Minerva: How can a book be written in spirals? That wouldn't make any sense.

Foaly: It only doesn't make sense to humans. Which is the whole point.

Artemis: It was written with humans in mind? Even though this occurred before humans developed language?

Holly: Haven't you noticed by now that some fairies are just the tiniest bit prone to paranoia?

Artemis: Point conceded.

Mulch: This is all just fascinating, but how about we move on with the book?

**By now, you must have guessed just how far Artemis Fowl was prepared to go in order to achieve his goal.**

Holly: He goes farther.

Angeline: _Farther?_

Holly: Trust me, he hasn't reached his limit yet by any means.

**But what exactly was this goal? What outlandish scheme would involve the blackmailing of an alcohol-addicted sprite? The answer was gold.**

Minerva: _Gold_? That's it? Just gold?

Mulch: I know. He was so innocent back then.

Angeline: I'm not sure I like where this is going.

**Artemis's search had begun two years previously**

Artemis: See? So I did begin my research at a younger age than you, Minerva.

Holly frowns thoughtfully.

**when he first became interested in surfing the Internet.**

Foaly: The internet. It seems to be causing all kinds of problems. I should never have let the humans develop it.

Minerva: _Let_ us?

Butler: You'd be surprised at how much Foaly is involved in or responsible for.

**He quickly found the more arcane sites: alien abduction, UFO sightings, and the supernatural. **

Foaly: (snorts) _Humans_. I swear, I could put anything on the internet, and you would all buy it.

**But most specifically the existence of the People.**

Mulch: Slipping up on the job, donkey-boy?

Foaly: Slip up on the job? _Me_? As if.

Mulch: Oh yeah? I thought you were supposed to be the one modifying human databases to keep our existence a secret?

Foaly: (testily) I am.

Mulch: Then how come Arty boy was able to get information on the People off of the internet?

Foaly: This is Artemis Fowl we're talking about. He could interrogate information out of a rock.

Artemis: Thank you for your vote of confidence.

Holly: Besides, Mulch, things have been known to slip by Foaly in the past.

Foaly: (grinding his teeth) Continue on, Juliet.

**Trawling through gigabytes of data, **

Foaly: Gigabytes? How in the name of Frond do you humans survive? Imagine only being able to get gigabytes of information at a time. Nightmare.

**he found hundreds of references to fairies from nearly every country in the world. Each civilization had its own term for the People, but they were undoubtedly members of the same hidden family. Several stories mentioned a Book carried by each fairy. It was their Bible, **

Minerva: Bible? Fairies have a religion?

Holly: Not in the same sense as humans do.

**containing, as it allegedly did, the history of their race and the commandments that governed their extended lives. Of course, this book was written in Gnommish, the fairy language, and would be of no use to any human.**

Holly: Or so we thought. Although, we also weren't dealing with just _any_ human.

**Artemis believed that with today's technology the Book could be translated. **

Foaly: (groans) Oh gods, please no. Tell me we weren't outwitted by _human_ technology. I don't think I could bear it.

Artemis: I could tell you that. But I wouldn't be telling the truth.

Mulch: Disgraceful.

**And with this translation you could begin to exploit a whole new group of creatures.**

Mulch: How scandalous of you, Arty.

Angeline glares at Artemis.

Minerva: Goodness, you were bad. And you all complain about me?

Holly: Well, you did want to exploit us, just in a different way.

N*1: Oh, yes. Instead of gold, you wanted to put us in a museum. Yes, Artemis is _so_ much worse than you.

_**Know thine enemy**_** was Artemis's motto, so he immersed himself in the lore of the People until he had compiled a huge database on their characteristics. But it wasn't enough.**

Juliet: Is anything ever enough for you?

Foaly: That would be like Mulch saying he was full.

Mulch: Or that Foaly gets tired of praise.

N*1: In other words, no.

**So Artemis put out a call on the Web: **_**Irish businessman will pay large amount of U. S. dollars to meet a fairy, sprite, leprechaun, pixie.**_

Foaly: (blinks) That's it?

Holly: Um, Foaly, exactly how did you miss that? He might as well as waved a big red flag in front of your face!

Foaly: (staring pointedly at Artemis) That is a very good question, Holly. And I for one would love to know the answer.

Artemis: I have no idea what you are talking about, Foaly. Read on, Juliet.

**The responses had been mostly fraudulent, but Ho Chi Minh City had finally paid off.**

Mulch: I've always said that sprites were never the brightest of fairies.

Holly: But they are certainly not the dumbest.

Mulch: No, that would be goblins.

Minerva: _Goblins?_

Foaly: Funny. I was going to suggest you, Mulch.

N*1: I vote Abbot.

Artemis: If we are going to debate the different levels of stupidity we've encountered in our adventures, we'll be here all day. Juliet, if you please?

Juliet: Personally, I was going to say Pex and Chips. But moving on.

**Artemis was perhaps the only person alive who could take full advantage of his recent acquisition. **

Minerva: I find this offensive.

Artemis: It's your own fault that you preferred anonymity over reputation.

Minerva: And yet you still managed to dig me up?

Foaly: Again, this is Artemis we're talking about. But all the credit for that one goes to me. And as usual, my contribution is ignored.

Mulch: _Your_ contribution? What about mine? I'm not even mentioned in most of the official case files!

Butler: I don't know why you're upset. That turned out to work to your advantage.

Mulch: (remembering) True…but still, would a medal be too much to ask for?

**He still retained a childlike belief in magic, tempered by an adult determination to exploit it. **

Angeline: What is with all this obsession to exploit people?

Mulch: Because it's what Arty does best.

**If there was anybody capable of relieving the fairies of some of their magical gold, it was Artemis Fowl the Second.**

Butler: And more besides.

Minerva: What else could he get out of them?

Holly: Friendship.

Artemis: After a few more bumps along the way, of course.

Holly: Of course.

**It was early morning before they reached Fowl Manor. Artemis was anxious to bring up the file on his computer, but first he decided to call in on Mother.**

Mulch: Hey look, Mama Fowl! You're in the story now.

Angeline: (quietly) I'm not so sure that I want to be in the story, though.

Artemis looks up at the ceiling.

**Angeline Fowl was bedridden.**

Angeline cringes.

**She had been since her husband's disappearance. Nervous tension, the physicians said. Nothing for it but rest and sleeping pills. That was almost a year ago.**

Minerva: (quietly) That sounds like more than just nervous tension to me.

Everyone else was silent, while Holly laid a hand on Artemis's arm, offering the best comfort she could. Artemis broke his deadpan on the ceiling to give her a faint smile. But nothing could erase somber look in his eyes, nor the look of increasing agitation and despair in Angeline's.

**Butler's little sister, Juliet, was sitting at the foot of the stairs. **

Mulch: (in an effort to relieve the tension) Hey look, Stinker! It's you!

Juliet: Really, Mulch? I would never have figured that out on my own.

**Her gaze was boring a hole in the wall. **

Mulch: What did the wall ever do to you?

N*1: Maybe it looked like your face, Mulch.

Foaly: Ouch. Nice burn, little guy.

Mulch cringes at the reference to fire.

**Even the glitter mascara couldn't soften her expression. Artemis had seen that look already, just before Juliet had suplexed a particularly impudent pizza boy. The suplex, Artemis gathered, was a wrestling move.**

Holly: You and Artemis are quite the pair, Juliet.

Juliet: What?

Artemis: What?

Holly: Artemis makes people cry, and you put wrestling moves on them.

Foaly: I'm sure you're the first two people on everyone's list when it comes to hate mail.

Mulch: Well, Arty proves true. We know he was top of Koboi's list of people to eliminate/destroy/painfully torture and then kill.

**An unusual obsession for a teenage girl. **

Juliet: It is not!

Mulch: Yeah! She _is _Butler's sister. You can't really expect anything else.

**But then again she was, after all, a Butler.**

Mulch: As I said.

Foaly: _I_ say that you enjoy the sound of your own voice, Mulch.

Mulch: How could I not? It sounds so much better than a donkey braying.

"**Problems, Juliet?"**

**Juliet straightened hurriedly. "My own fault, Artemis. Apparently I left a gap in the curtains. Mrs. Fowl couldn't sleep."**

Mulch: Aha! Proof!

Minerva: Of what?

Mulch: That Artemis is a vampire!

Holly: What?

Artemis: Now that is utterly ridiculous.

Butler: Besides, it was talking about Madame Fowl. What does that have to do with Artemis?

Mulch: Because vampires have to come from somewhere. I was referencing that Mama Fowl wasn't sleeping. Besides, I was kidding. Sheesh.

N*1: Well, people have described Artemis as looking like a vampire.

Artemis: Have you all finished discussing over the possibilities of my subsisting in an undead state on blood? Yes? Good. Carry on, Juliet.

Juliet: Carrying, Vamp.

"**Hmm," muttered Artemis, scaling the oak staircase slowly.**

**He worried about his mother's condition. She hadn't seen the light of day in a long time now. **

Mulch: I can sympathize. It reminds me of when I get locked up in prison.

Holly: You need to see the light, alright.

**Then again, should she miraculously recover, emerging revitalized from her bedchamber, it would signal the end of Artemis's own extraordinary freedom. It would be back off to school, and no more spearheading criminal enterprises for you, my boy.**

Angeline: ARTEMIS!!

Holly: Don't worry, Angeline. He never really thought like that. He's just lying to himself and repressing his feelings in this situation in the hope that it would make him feel a little better.

Foaly: Hey, Mud Boy, I bet _that_ was the most spot on psycho-analysis you've ever heard.

Artemis: (after a pause) I suppose it had its merits.

Juliet: That was as close to a yes as you'll ever hear.

Angeline: It was still rude to say.

Artemis: But I didn't say it.

Foaly: It's the thought that counts.

**He knocked gently on the arched double doors.**

"**Mother? Are you awake?"**

**Something smashed against the other side of the door. It sounded expensive.**

N*1: I don't think she's happy to see you.

Mulch: No, N*1, that's how humans show affection, through violence.

N*1: I may have been stuck in Limbo for who-knows how many years, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that.

Mulch: If you don't believe me, look at Holly. She punches people when she greets them.

"**Of course I'm awake! How can I sleep in this blinding glare?"**

**Artemis ventured inside. An antique four-poster bed threw shadowy spires in the darkness, and a pale sliver of light poked through a gap in the velvet curtains.**

Minerva: That's it?

Mulch: Isn't that bad enough? Poor Angie. Stinker, how dare you leave such a gap in the curtains!

**Angeline Fowl sat hunched on the bed, her pale limbs glowing white in the gloom.**

"**Artemis, darling. Where have you been?"**

Foaly: Terrorizing waiters, making a step in the execution of my plan to exploit a group on underground creatures. The usual.

**Artemis sighed. She recognized him. That was a good sign.**

Minerva:….Um…alright?

Holly: (somberly) You'll…you'll see.

"**School trip, Mother. Skiing in Austria."**

Mulch: Ah, a liar after my own heart.

N*1: I thought you didn't date outside of your own species.

Mulch: I don't! It's just an expression!

N*1: If that's what you want to believe. But you don't have to lie to me.

Mulch sputters, while everyone except Angeline and Artemis chuckle.

"**Ah, skiing," crooned Angeline. "How I miss it. Maybe when your father returns."**

**Artemis felt a lump in his throat. Most uncharacteristic. "Yes. Perhaps when Father returns."**

Tears well up in Angeline's eyes. Artemis continues to stare off into the distance, while Holly maintains her light grip on his arm.

"**Darling, could you close those wretched curtains? The light is intolerable."**

"**Of course, Mother."**

**Artemis felt his way across the room, wary of the low-level clothes chests scattered around the floor.**

Minerva: (under her breath) Why chests? Why not closets?

**Finally his fingers curled around the velvet drapes. For a moment he was tempted to throw them wide open, **

Foaly: That's probably not a good idea. It would most likely make things worse.

Artemis: I know that. It was just a passing thought.

**then he sighed and closed the gap.**

Mulch: All is well, Stinker. Your mistake was repaired.

Juliet: Thanks, Smelly. Nice to know.

"**Thank you, darling. By the way, we really have to get rid of that maid. She is good for absolutely nothing."**

Mulch: Eh, she's good for some things.

Juliet: Like…?

Mulch: Fishing for compliments now are we? Anyway, you're a good person to argue with.

Juliet: Thanks…I think.

**Artemis held his tongue. Juliet had been a hardworking and loyal member of the Fowl household for the past three years. Time to use Mother's absentmindedness to his advantage.**

Minerva: Absentmindedness?

Angeline's eyes narrow.

"**You're right of course, Mother. I've been meaning to do it for some time. Butler has a sister I believe would be perfect for the position. I think I've mentioned her. Juliet?"**

Minerva: Hmm. Cleverly worded. Technically, you never once lied.

Mulch: Well, the best lies are constructed from the truth.

Foaly: So speaks the master of lies and disguise…

Holly: Albeit one who spent quite a few centuries in prison.

Mulch: You're all just jealous.

**Angeline frowned. "Juliet? Yes, the name does seem familiar. **

Mulch: Does it, now?

**Well, anyone would be better than that silly girl we have now.**

Mulch: Off with the silly girl!

Juliet: How about if the silly girl uses the suplex on you?

Mulch: The resemblance between you and Butler is uncanny sometimes.

**When can she start?"**

"**Straight away. I'll have Butler fetch her from the lodge."**

Mulch: This manor is full of surprises. There's a lodge in here?

Foaly: Yep. It's just past the edge of the cliff over there.

Mulch: Funny.

N*1: I thought so too.

"**You're a good boy, Artemis. Now, give Mummy a hug."**

**Artemis stepped into the shadowy folds of his mother's robe. She smelled perfumed, like petals in water. But her arms were cold and weak.**

"**Oh, darling," she whispered, and the sound sent goose bumps popping down Artemis's neck. "I hear things. At night. They crawl along the pillows and into my ears."**

Mulch: Well, that sounds rather uncomfortable. You know what I would do?

Angeline: (in a subdued voice) What would you do, Mulch?

Mulch: I'd cocoon them in my beard hair to eat in the morning. That'll teach them to creep in my bed and ears.

Angeline: (with the faintest of smiles) I'll be sure to remember that next time, Mulch.

**Artemis felt that lump in his throat again.**

N*1: I hate those lumps. Makes talking rather difficult.

"**Perhaps we should open the curtains, Mother."**

Mulch: No! Not the lights!

Holly: Sometimes I worry about you.

Foaly: Don't. He's a lost cause.

"**No," his mother sobbed, releasing him from her grasp. "No. Because then I could see them, too."**

"**Mother, please."**

**But it was no use. Angeline was gone.**

N*1: Um… isn't she still there?

Foaly: No, she magically disappeared.

Holly: (quietly, and still focusing on Artemis) It means her sanity.

**She crawled to the far corner of the bed, pulling the quilt under her chin. **

"**Send the new girl."**

"**Yes, Mother."**

"**Send her with cucumber slices and water."**

"**Yes, Mother."**

**Angeline glared at him with crafty eyes. "And stop calling me Mother. I don't know who you are, but you're certainly not my little Arty."**

Minerva gasped a little at that, while Holly squeezed Artemis's arm. The tears started rolling faster down Angeline's cheeks.

**Artemis blinked back a few rebellious tears. "Of course. Sorry, Moth—Sorry."**

"**Hmmm. Don't come back here again, or I'll have my husband take care of you. He's a very important man, you know."**

"**Very well, Mrs. Fowl. This is the last you'll see of me."**

Remembering the not-so distant past, in which she had not known if she would ever see her eldest son again, Angeline put her head into her hands and began to sob quietly rocking back and forth.

"**It had better be." Angeline froze suddenly. "Do you hear them?"**

Mulch: Run for your lives!

Unfortunately, his attempt at a joke fell flat.

**Artemis shook his head. "No. I don't hear any--"**

"**They're coming for me. They're everywhere."**

**Angeline dived for cover beneath the bedclothes. Artemis could still hear her terrified sobs as he descended the marble staircase.**

After a few more seconds of watching his mother cry, Artemis could stand it no longer. Hesitantly, awkwardly, he moved over to her side. He placed his head on her shoulder and gently patted her arm, trying to move his hand in soothing circles. It was by far the first time he had ever attempted to comfort anyone, much less his mother.

Minerva: Artemis….I….

She had intended to say that she was sorry, but Artemis glared at her, as though daring her to give him her pity. She sighed, and after another moment Juliet began reading again.

**The Book was proving far more stubborn than Artemis had anticipated. It seemed to be almost actively resisting him. No matter which program he ran it through, the computer came up blank.**

Foaly: Well, at least it put up a good fight.

**Artemis hardcopied every page, tacking them to the walls of his study. Sometimes it helped to have things on paper. **

Foaly: Does it really? And here was me thinking that you couldn't get any stranger.

Artemis: (still next to Angeline, who was starting to sit up straighter) And here was me…what was it? 'Thinking me some thoughts of you'?

Foaly blushes, which Mulch watches with great interest.

Mulch: Mud Boy, you really must tell me about this someday soon.

**The script was like nothing he'd seen before, and yet it was strangely familiar. **

Minerva: Why?

Holly: Because the earliest human languages were based off of Gnommish.

Mulch: Thieves.

Foaly: Aw, they're just like you Mulch!

**Obviously a mixture of symbolic and character-based language, the text meandered around the page in no apparent order.**

Minerva: Hmm. I wish I could have a copy to examine…

Foaly: Oh no. Don't even think about it, Mud Girl.

Holly: It's bad enough we already have one human in possession of the Book. The last thing we need is another one.

Foaly: Don't make me track you.

Minerva: Can he really do that?

Butler: Yes.

**What the program needed was some frame of reference, some central point on which to build. He separated all the characters and ran comparisons with English, Chinese, Greek, Arabic, and with Cyrillic texts, even with Ogham. Nothing.**

Minerva: (musing to herself) What piece is missing?

Foaly: A lot of them, but Holly said the first one earlier.

Artemis: In hindsight, it is rather obvious.

**Moody with frustration, Artemis sent Juliet scurrying when she interrupted with sandwiches,**

Juliet: Hmph.

Mulch: Really, Arty, how could you waste a perfectly good plate of food?

Foaly: I'm inclined to agree. I always find that carrots help me concentrate.

Angeline has finally returned to normal enough to fuss over things of motherly concern.

Angeline: Really, Arty, you need to keep up your strength.

Artemis: May I kindly remind everyone for the umpteenth time that this happened years ago? Continue, if you please, Juliet.

Juliet: Fine. But you still didn't have to bite my head off.

**and moved on to symbols. The most frequently recurring pictogram was a small male figure. Male, he presumed, though with the limited knowledge of fairy anatomy he supposed it could be female. **

Holly: Really.

**A thought struck him.**

Mulch: Such abusive thoughts you have, Arty.

N*1: I don't think it meant literally, Mulch.

Mulch: I'm not even going to bother. Sarcasm seems to bounce off of you.

**Artemis opened the ancient languages file on his Power Translator and selected Egyptian.**

Minerva: Oh, of course. It is rather obvious.

Foaly: The battle's not won yet.

**At last. A hit. The male symbol was remarkably similar to the Anubis god representation on Tutankhamen's inner-chamber hieroglyphics. This was consistent with his other findings. The first written human stories were about fairies, suggesting that their civilization predated man's own. It would seem that the Egyptians had simply adapted an existing scripture to suit their needs.**

Foaly: And you were right.

Mulch: And to think that everyone thought that the Egyptians were such smart humans.

Juliet: Silly us.

**There were other resemblances. But the characters were just dissimilar enough to slip through the computer's net.**

Foaly: Naturally.

**This would have to be done manually. Each Gnommish figure had to be enlarged, printed, and then compared with the hieroglyphs. **

Minerva: Alright…I see what you mean.

Foaly: Not yet you don't. Not completely, anyways.

**Artemis felt the excitement of success thumping inside his rib cage.**

Foaly: Uh-uh. It's not over until the fat lady sings.

Holly: (sighing) I still don't understand what that saying means.

**Almost every fairy pictogram or letter had an Egyptian counterpart. Most were universal, such as the sun or birds. But some seemed exclusively supernatural and had to be tailored to fit. The Anubis figure, for example, would make no sense as a dog god,**

Mulch: No Arty, the Egyptians stole the ideas for their gods from us to. Of course there's a dog god.

Foaly: Yeah, they found the dwarves and thought they were dogs, on account of all the hair.

Mulch: You think you're amusing, don't you?

Foaly: As much as you think you are.

**so Artemis altered it to read king of the fairies.**

Minerva: Fairies have kings?

Holly: Not anymore.

Foaly: Now we have a council whose favorite activity is to put Holly under investigation.

Holly scowls.

**By midnight, Artemis had successfully fed his findings into the Macintosh. All he had to do now was press Decode. He did so. **

Foaly: Not going to work.

Minerva: Why wouldn't it?

**What emerged was a long, intricate string of meaningless gibberish.**

Foaly: See?

**A normal child would have abandoned the task long since. The average adult would probably have been reduced to slapping the keyboard.**

Foaly: (scoffs) I don't understand how they think it will help.

Butler: They don't. They're just venting frustration.

Foaly: I used to annoy Julius when I got frustrated. Now I annoy Trouble.

Holly: I'm sure he feels honored.

**But not Artemis. This book was testing him, and he would not allow it to win.**

Foaly: That would be pretty funny if it did.

Mulch: It'd be like a goblin outsmarting him.

Holly: Except, of course, that the Book is smarter than the goblin.

Minerva: They can't really be that stupid.

Butler: Oh, but they can.

Foaly: It's scientifically proven.

**The letters were right, he was certain of it. It was just the order that was wrong. **

Foaly: Now you're on the right track. Not that that's a good thing…

Minerva: Oh. I see now.

**Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Artemis glared at the pages again. Each segment was bordered by a solid line. This could represent paragraphs or chapters, but they were not meant to be read in the usual left to right, top to bottom fashion.**

**Artemis experimented. He tried the Arabic right to left and the Chinese columns. Nothing worked. Then he noticed that each page had one thing in common—a central section. The other pictograms were arranged around this pivotal area. So, a central starting point, perhaps. But where to go from there? Artemis scanned the pages for some other common factor. After several minutes he found it. There was on each page a tiny spearhead in the corner of one section. Could this be an arrow? A direction? Go this way?**

Mulch: If you get to the donkey, you've gone too far.

Foaly: Very funny.

Mulch: You know it is.

**So the theory would be, start in the middle then follow the arrow. Reading in spirals.**

Holly: Now he's got it.

Minerva: Wouldn't that give you a headache?

Foaly: For some. Which is why we don't. Our computers just rearrange everything for us.

**The computer program wasn't built to handle something like this,**

Foaly: As if I would let it.

**so Artemis had to improvise. With a craft knife and ruler, he dissected the first page of the Book and reassembled it in the traditional Western languages order—left to right, parallel rows. Then he rescanned the page and fed it through the modified Egyptian translator.**

Minerva: I think even I would have started to lose patience.

Holly: Oh, if only.

**The computer hummed and whirred, converting all the information to binary. Several times it stopped to ask for confirmation of a character or symbol. This happened less and less as the machine learned the new language. Eventually two words flashed on the screen: File converted.**

**Fingers shaking from exhaustion and excitement, Artemis clicked Print.**

Angeline: How long have you been up?

**A single page scrolled from the LaserWriter. It was in English now. Yes, there were mistakes, some fine-tuning needed, but it was perfectly legible, and, more importantly, perfectly understandable.**

Foaly: (sighs) There goes our gold.

Minerva: Does it really matter so much.

Holly: Fairies like gold.

Mulch: A lot.

**Fully aware that he was probably the first human in several thousand years to decode the magical words, Artemis switched on his desk light and began to read.**

Foaly: Actually, probably first human ever.**  
**

_**The Booke Of The People.**_

_**Being Instructions To Our Magicks**_

_**And Life Rules.**_

_**Carry me always, carry me well.**_

_**I am thy teacher of herb and spell.**_

_**I am thy link to power arcane.**_

_**Forget me and thy magick shall wane.**_

_**Ten times ten commandments there be.**_

_**They will answer every mystery.**_

_**Cures, curses, alchemy.**_

_**These secrets shall be thine, through me.**_

_**But, Fairy, remember this above all.**_

_**I am not for those in mud that crawl.**_

Minerva: 'Those in mud that crawl'?

Holly: Humans. Hence us calling you all 'mud people'.

_**And forever doomed shall be the one,**_

_**Who betrays my secrets one by one.**_

Mulch: The sprites are doomed!

Foaly: Okay, I'll admit it. I'm impressed.

Artemis: (smirking) Thank you.

Mulch: And there's that smirk we all know and that annoys us.

**Artemis could hear the blood pumping in his ears. He had them. They would be as ants beneath his feet. **

Holly: Excuse me?

Mulch: Well, I never.

Angeline: Arty!

**Their every secret would be laid bare by technology. **

Foaly snorts at that.

**Suddenly the exhaustion claimed him and he sank back in his chair. There was so much yet to complete. Forty-three pages to be translated for a start.**

**He pressed the intercom button that linked him to speakers all over the house. "Butler. Get Juliet and come up here. There are some jigsaws I need you to assemble."**

Foaly: Ah yes. Delegation. Isn't it lovely?

**Perhaps a little family history would be useful at this point.**

Mulch: Maybe just a little.

Minerva looked as if she were itching to take notes.

**The Fowls were, indeed, legendary criminals. For generations they had skirmished on the wrong side of the law, hoarding enough funds to become legitimate. Of course, once they were legitimate they found it not to their liking, and returned almost immediately to crime.**

Holly: Of course they did.

Mulch: Maybe you should blame genetics for everything, Arty. That's my excuse.

Artemis: I'm sure it is, Mulch.

**It was Artemis the First, our subject's father, who had thrown the family fortune into jeopardy. With the breakup of communist Russia, Artemis Senior had decided to invest a huge chunk of the Fowl fortune in establishing new shipping lines to the vast continent. New consumers, he reasoned, would need new consumer goods. The Russian Mafia did not take too kindly to a Westerner muscling in on their market, and so decided to send a little message. This message took the form of a stolen missile launched at the **_**Fowl Star**_** on her way past Murmansk. Artemis Senior was on board the ship, along with Butler's uncle and 250,000 cans of cola. **

Minerva: (gasping) That's terrible!

Mulch: (shuddering) Imagine. Fire and the cold at the same time.

**It was quite an explosion. **

Foaly: No, really?

**The Fowls were not left destitute, far from it. But billionaire status was no longer theirs. Artemis the Second vowed to remedy this. He would restore the family fortune. And he would do it in his own unique fashion.**

Mulch: Of course. There's no point in any criminal act unless if you have your own style to set you apart from all the others.

Artemis: No point indeed.

Holly: I could always give you pointers with my buzz baton.

Mulch: No comment.

**Once the Book was translated, Artemis could begin planning in earnest. He already knew what the ultimate goal was, now he could figure out how to achieve it.**

**Gold, of course, was the objective. The acquisition of gold. It seemed that the People were almost as fond of the precious metal as humans. Each fairy had its own cache, **

Foaly: (with another snort) Well, no, not exactly…

**but not for much longer if Artemis had his way. There would be at least one of the fairy folk wandering around with empty pockets by the time he'd finished.**

Foaly: Sorry. You ended up with upset Council members and an angry Holly Short.

**After eighteen solid hours of sleep and a light continental breakfast,**

Angeline: That's better.

**Artemis climbed to the study that he had inherited from his father. It was a traditional enough room—dark oak and floor-to-ceiling shelving—but Artemis had jammed it with the latest computer technology. A series of networked AppleMacs whirred from various corners of the room. One was running CNN's Web site through a DAT projector, throwing oversized current-affairs images against the back wall.**

Minerva: …Why?

Artemis: (quietly) You'll see.

**Butler was there already, firing up the hard drives.**

"**Shut them all down, except the Book. I need quiet for this."**

**The manservant started. The CNN site had been running for almost a year. Artemis was convinced that news of his father's rescue would come from there. **

Minerva: Oh…

**Shutting it down meant that he was finally letting go.**

Angeline's eyes started filling with tears again.

"**All of them?"**

**Artemis glanced at the back wall for a moment. "Yes," he said finally. "All of them."**

Holly patted him on the arm again.

**Butler took the liberty of patting his employer gently on the shoulder, just once, before returning to work. Artemis cracked his knuckles. **

Mulch: I do that to, before getting to work.

Minerva: What kind of 'work'?

Mulch: Hold onto your centaurs, you'll get to know fairly soon, I'm sure.

Foaly: You used that expression on purpose, didn't you?

Mulch: Maybe. But it was appropriate, so get off your high horse.

**Time to do what he did best—plot dastardly acts.**

Artemis: Naturally.

Juliet: And that chapter's done. And I think Holly should read next.

Holly: Why? (Juliet shows her the book.) Ah, I see.

Mulch: What?

Holly: Fine. I'll do it.

A/N: Yeah…if I take breaks, it's because I need to do my schoolwork. So long as one person wants it finished, this story will never be abandoned. Hope you're happy with this update, because the next one won't be for quite a while. A friend of mine is borrowing my book, and I only got a part of chapter 3 typed up before he took it (I didn't know he was going to be a slow reader, honest!). So unless somebody wants to type up the rest of the chapter for me, the next update will be whenever I get my book back.

Happy Holidays!

~Kiryn


	4. Chapter 4: Holly

**A/N: I'm pretty sure you would all rather start reading the chapter now, so I'll address other issues at the bottom. Thank you to all of the people who sent me typed up parts of the story, you were an invaluable help! I know it was a long wait, but this chapter should make up for it, as it's more than **_**twice**_** the length of the last two!**

**WARNING: Spoiler alert if you haven't read The Opal Deception! You should all know what I'm talking about, but I thought I should let you know just in case.**

**Disclaimer: Last time I looked into the mirror, I'm pretty sure I saw an 18-year-old American girl who failed at updating, not the Irish author of this series. Arty belongs solely to him, although I suppose fans can take credit for the abuse of that nickname. **

**Chapter 3: Holly**

Minerva: Oh. So I guess you all get introduced into the story now.

Holly: I guess.

Mulch: Hmph. Why do you get a chapter named after you?

N*1: It couldn't be because she's important. Surely not.

**Holly Short was lying in bed silently fuming.**

Mulch: So it was an ordinary day then.

Holly: Mulch, shut up.

Angeline: Why are you upset?

Foaly: My money's on that it had something to do with Julius.

**Nothing unusual about this. **

Mulch: Of course not.

**Leprechauns in general were not known for their geniality. **

Foaly: You know, they really aren't.

Minerva: So you're a leprechaun, then?

Holly: Um, no…it will probably explain in a little bit.

**But Holly was in an exceptionally bad mood, even for a fairy. **

Mulch: Ah, but is she in an exceptionally bad mood for Holly would be the better question. She spends most of her time in a bad mood.

Holly: Who could blame me, I'm stuck hanging out with you people on a daily basis.

Foaly: That hurts. It really does.

**Technically she was an elf, fairy being a general term. She was a leprechaun too, but that was just a job.**

Minerva: Alright…so you are an elf, but would be called a fairy the same as someone would call myself human…and you are employed as a leprechaun…

Mulch: Good job. Would you like a gold star or brownie points?

**Perhaps a description would be more helpful than a lecture on fairy genealogy. **

Artemis: That was hardly a lecture.

Foaly: A description, huh? Let's see how much this Eoin Colfer really knows about us!

**Holly Short had nut-brown skin, cropped auburn hair, and hazel eyes. Her nose had a hook, and her mouth was plump and cherubic, which was appropriate considering Cupid was her great-grandfather. **

Artemis: Is he really?

Minerva: Cupid exists?

Holly: Yes to both questions.

**Her mother was a European elf with a fiery temper and willowy figure. **

Mulch: Would never have guessed that she had a fiery temper, what with Holly being so sweet and all…

Holly: Mulch. Really. Shut up.

**Holly, too, had a slim frame with long tapered fingers, perfect for wrapping around a buzz baton. Her ears, of course, were pointed. At exactly three feet in height, Holly was only a centimeter below the fairy average, but even one centimeter can make an awful lot of difference when you didn't have many to spare. **

Holly: (scowling) It really does.

Mulch: Heh heh, shorty.

Holly: Do you want me to stick my buzz baton up your nose? I swear to Frond I will.

Foaly: Damn. The author was fairly accurate.

**Commander Root was the cause of Holly's distress. **

Foaly: And I was right!

N*1: This is the commander before Trouble, right? The one I didn't meet?

Those in the room who knew of Root's death sobered at this.

Butler: Yes. That's the one.

Minerva and Angeline looked curious, but didn't say anything.

**Root had been on Holly's case since day one. **

Holly smiled sadly at this, a few stray tears pricking the corners of her eyes. Foaly, too, had a sad, reminiscing smile on his face.

**The commander had decided to take offense at the fact that the first female officer in Recon's history had been assigned to his squad. **

Mulch: (shaking his head) Poor you.

**Recon was a notoriously dangerous posting with a high fatality rate, and Root didn't think it was any place for a girlie. Well, he was just going to have to get used to the idea, because Holly Short had no intention of quitting for him or anybody else.**

Foaly: Uh-huh. Sure, Holly.

Holly glared at him.

Foaly: What are you glaring at me for? You're the one who abandoned me!

Holly: Whatever.

**Though she'd never admit it, another possible cause for Holly's irritability was the Ritual.**

Foaly: (sighing) It's always the Ritual with you Holly.

Minerva: What is this Ritual?

Mulch: Listen and you shall learn, young cricket. And speaking of crickets, I'm hungry.

Foaly: Well then go munch on some rocks, or something.

**She'd been meaning to perform it for several moons now, but somehow there just never seemed to be time. **

Holly: Hah, I thought it was bad then. It just gets worse. One crisis after another.

Foaly: Ah, but think about how boring life used to be back in those days.

**And if Root found out she was running low on magic, she'd be transferred to Traffic for sure.**

Artemis: You're always running low on magic.

Foaly: Ooh, Traffic's terrible. And you had only just escaped from being a Wheelie, Holly.

Artemis: A what?

Holly: Wheelie is our nickname for Traffic.

Artemis: Ah. So that is where you started out?

Holly: Yes. I can't tell you how glad I was to get rid of that stupid uniform.

**Holly rolled off her futon and stumbled into the shower. That was one advantage of living near the earth's core—the water was always hot. **

Angeline: That is nice.

**No natural light, of course, but that was a small price to pay for privacy. Underground. The last human free zone. **

Minerva: So there are…tons of you…living underground?

Foaly: Yes. Where do you think I am now?

Mulch: Where do you think I wish I was now?

**There was nothing like coming home after a long day on the job, switching off your shield, and sinking into a bubbling slime pool. Bliss.**

Minerva: Ew!

Holly: This is why I have better skin than you. Slime, mud, and the like exfoliate the skin very well.

Mulch: Hmm. So I must have better skin than all of you.

Juliet: If you could ever find it under all the hair.

**The fairy suited up, zipping the dull-green jumpsuit up to her chin and strapping on her helmet. LEPrecon uniforms were stylish these days. Not like that top-o'-the-morning costume the force had to wear back in the old days.**

Foaly: (laughing) Hah! I remember those days!

Mulch: (snickering) I think I saw Julius in one of those once.

**Buckled shoes and knickerbockers! **

Angeline: That is awful.

Butler: It does seem rather incredible that the LEP could do their job in that kind of getup.

**Honestly. No wonder leprechauns were such ridiculous figures in human folklore. Still, probably better that way. If the Mud People knew that the word "leprechaun" actually originated from LEPrecon, an elite branch of the Lower Elements Police, they'd probably take steps to stamp them out. **

Minerva: Oh, I see. LEPrecon, that's rather clever.

Foaly: Well thank you. But we had our words first.

Mulch: No, do stamp them out. Who needs law enforcement?

Butler: What happened to being on the straight and narrow?

Mulch: Oh…yeah. Right. (sigh)

**Better to stay inconspicuous and let the humans have their stereotypes.**

Foaly: (snorts) Holly, you are not one to talk about being inconspicuous. You end up attracting more attention than anyone.

Holly: So says the fairy with four legs. If you ever got off your lazy bum, you'd attract more attention than I would.

Foaly: Lazy? Me?

Mulch: Yes, you. Who else would we be talking about?

Juliet: Pot, meet kettle.

N*1: There's a pot and a kettle in here?

Juliet: Never mind.

**With the moon already rising on the surface, there was no time for a proper breakfast. Holly grabbed the remains of a nettle smoothie from the cooler and drank it in the tunnels. As usual there was chaos in the main thoroughfare. **

Foaly: Gah, I hate the traffic.

Holly: Me too. Especially when you have to be on time. But I prefer that chaos to the others that have happened.

Foaly: Point.

**Airborne sprites jammed the avenue like stones in a bottle. The gnomes weren't helping either, lumbering along with their big swinging behinds blocking two lanes. Swear toads infested every damp patch, cursing like sailors. That particular breed began as a joke, but had multiplied into an epidemic. Someone lost their wand over that one.**

Minerva: Fascinating.

Mulch: Gnomes smell funny.

Juliet: Because you are such a rose garden yourself.

**Holly battled through the crowds to the police station. There was already a riot outside Spud's Spud Emporium. **

Foaly: There's always a riot outside there.

Mulch: As I said. It's an ordinary day.

Butler: Probably not for long though.

**LEP Corporal Newt was trying to sort it out. Good luck to him. Nightmare. At least Holly got the chance to work above ground. **

Minerva: And that's a good thing?

Holly: Yes. The surface is way better than a desk job.

Foaly: Most fairies like the surface better than underground.

Mulch: Speak for yourself.

**The LEP station doors were crammed with protesters. The goblin/dwarf turf war had flared up again, and every morning hordes of angry parents showed up demanding the release of their innocent offspring. **

Mulch: Innocent? Yeah, sure…

N*1: Not even I believe that, and I've never met a goblin.

**Holly snorted. If there actually was an innocent goblin, Holly Short had yet to meet him. **

Holly: And I still haven't met him.

Artemis: Hardly surprising.

**They were clogging up the cells now, howling gang chants and hurling fireballs at each other. **

Mulch: (scowling) Why? Why do they have to be put _there_? Isn't there an all-goblin prison for a reason?

Foaly: Ask me no questions, and I shall tell you no lies.

**Holly shouldered her way into the throng. "Coming through," she grunted. "Police business."**

Butler: Was that wise?

Holly: It's regulation.

Foaly: Wisdom ain't got nothing to do with it.

**They were on her like flies on a stink worm.**

"**My Grumpo is innocent!"**

"**Police brutality!"**

N*1: For walking?

Mulch: Holly! Shame on you for going to work!

"**Officer, could you take my baby in his blankie? He can't sleep without it."**

Foaly: Now that's just sad.

Artemis: It's a difficult concept to wrap one's head around. A goblin, needing a…'blankie'?

Mulch: Hehe. You said blankie. Did that hurt, Arty?

Artemis: That was such a stunning display of maturity, Mulch.

**Holly set her visor to reflect, and ignored them all. Once upon a time the uniform would have earned you some respect. **

Foaly: Respect! Ha, you're so funny, Holly.

Mulch: The LEP got respect? Since when?

**Not anymore. Now you were a target. **

Mulch: That's better.

"**Excuse me, officer, but I seem to have misplaced my jar of warts." "Pardon me, young elf, but my cat's climbed a stalactite." Or "If you have a minute, Captain, could you tell me how to get to the Fountain of Youth?" **

Foaly: Ugh…tourists.

Mulch: What? What's wrong with tourists? They're so gullible.

Holly: Of course you would think of that.

**Holly shuddered. Tourists. **

Mulch: Echo!

N*1: Huh?

Mulch: (sigh) What's the point of making a joke if no one gets it?

Holly: So shut up.

Mulch: No, no, I'm okay. Me talking annoys you. My job is getting done.

**She had troubles of her own. More than she knew, as she was about to find out.**

Angeline frowns at Artemis.

Artemis: Er…I apologize?

Holly: It's alright. You've apologized enough times.

**In the station lobby, a kleptomaniac dwarf was busy picking the pockets of everyone else in the booking line, including the officer he was handcuffed to. **

Juliet: Well, gee, I wonder who that could be?

**Holly gave him a swipe in the backside with her buzz baton. The electric charge singed the seat of his leather pants.**

"**Whatcha doing there, Mulch?"**

Mulch: Yes! It's me! The story is now officially interesting!

Butler: We never would have guessed.

Mulch: And by the way, Holly, that really hurt.

Holly: Poor baby. I love how you make it sound like you were the victim in that situation.

Mulch: It's a gift.

**Mulch started, contraband dropping from his sleeves. **

"**Officer Short," he whined, his face a mask of regret. "I can't help myself. It's my nature."**

"**I know that, Mulch. And it's our nature to throw you in a cell for a couple of centuries."**

**She winked at the dwarf's arresting officer.**

Mulch: Ooh…

"**Nice to see you're staying alert."**

Minerva: Yes, really on the job, that one.

Mulch: He's even worse than Stinker.

Juliet: I feel so flattered.

**The elf blushed, kneeling to pick up his wallet and badge.**

Mulch: Holly! Stop using your femininely wiles in the workplace!

Everyone else stares at him.

Holly: I cannot believe you just said that.

N*1: Um…moving on?

**Holly forged past Root's office, hoping she would make it to her cubicle before…**

Foaly: Dive, Holly, dive! You're not going to make it!

"**SHORT! GET IN HERE!"**

Foaly: Aaannd I was right.

Mulch: Fail, Holly. Fail.

N*1: How late were you?

**Holly sighed. Ah well. Here we go again.**

Several people in the room snickered.

**Stowing her helmet under her arm, Holly smoothed the creases from her uniform and stepped into Commander Root's office.**

Foaly: That's not gonna help!

**Root's face was purple with rage. **

Mulch: What a surprise.

Minerva: He's that mad that you're late?

**This was more or less his general state of existence, a fact that had earned him the nickname "Beetroot." **

Minerva:…Alright then….

Mulch: (snickering) Beetroot…

Foaly: Ah, Julius.

N*1: So far, he doesn't sound at all nice.

Artemis: He's an…ah, acquired taste.

**There was an office pool running on how long he had before his heart exploded. The smart money was on half a century, at the outside.**

Most of the room's occupants cringed at this.

**Commander Root was tapping the moonometer on his wrist. "Well?" he demanded. "What time do you call this?"**

Mulch: I call it trouble time!

N*1: I thought it would be time for work.

Mulch: You're no fun.

Foaly: Then he should fit right in. Neither is Julius.

**Holly could feel her own face coloring. She was barely a minute late. **

Minerva: What? A minute?

Mulch: Well, Julius is known for over-reacting.

**There were at least a dozen officers on this shift who hadn't even reported in yet. But Root always singled her out for persecution. **

Minerva: (muttering under her breath) Sexism.

Angeline looked like she agreed, and Holly had a slightly grim smile on her face.

Foaly: (nudging Holly) Look at it this way. This is Julius's weird way of showing that he cares about you, and that you're one of his favorites.

Mulch: How is that comforting? Who would want to be Julius's favorite?

Holly: (smiling) Thanks, Foaly.

**"The thoroughfare," she mumbled lamely. "There were four lanes down."**

Foaly: Bad move, Holly. That isn't going to cut it.

Mulch: Four lanes though? Ouch.

**"Don't insult me with your excuses!" roared the commander. **

N*1: Er…can he speak at a normal volume?

Mulch: Julius Beetroot? Of course not!

**"You know what the city centre is like! Get up a few minutes earlier!"**

Juliet: I think I speak for everyone here, but what's the probability of Holly doing that?

Artemis: In the negatives, surely.

Holly glared at them.

**It was true, she did know what Haven was like. Holly Short was a city elf born and bred. Since the humans began experimenting with mineral drilling, more and more fairies had been driven out of the shallow forts and into the depth and security of Haven City. **

Angeline sighed, shaking her head in sadness and sympathy.

**The metropolis was overcrowded and underserviced. And now there was a lobby to allow automobiles in the pedestrianized city centre. As if the place wasn't smelly enough without all those country gnomes wondering around the place.**

Mulch: See! I told you they smelled funny.

Juliet: No one ever denied it. I just pointed out that you can hardly talk.

Mulch: And you can, what with all of your toxins?

**Root was right. **

Mulch: He is?

Foaly: A miracle has happened. It's snowing in hell.

**She should get up a bit earlier. But she wouldn't. Not until everyone else was forced to.**

Most of the room laughed at this.

Foaly: Typical Holly response.

**"I know what you're thinking," said Root. **

Mulch: He does? Holy Frond, Julius can read minds?

Foaly: And just when we thought your stupidity could sink no lower.

**"Why am I picking on you every day? Why don't I ever bawl out those other layabouts?"**

Artemis: Well, at least he recognizes his own behavior.

**Holly said nothing, but agreement was written all over her face.**

**"I'll tell you why, shall I?"**

Foaly: That's a first.

Holly: I know, it surprised me too.

**Holly risked a nod.**

**"It's because you're a girl."**

Foaly: Blunt and to the point. A typical Julius explanation.

Artemis: At least he's being honest with you.

**Holly felt her fingers curl into fists. She knew it!**

Foaly: Of course you did. Your intuition is hardly ever wrong.

Butler: That, and it was fairly obvious.

Minerva: (huffing slightly) I don't think I am going to like him much.

**"But not for the reasons you think," continued Root. **

Foaly: True. Julius really isn't sexist.

Minerva: He sure comes across as one.

"**You are the first girl to get into Recon. Ever. **

Butler: Really? That is quite an achievement, although considering it's you, I'm not surprised.

Holly: Thanks, Butler.

**You are a test case. A beacon. There are millions of fairies out there watching your every move. There are a lot of hopes riding on you. But there is a lot of prejudice against you too. The future of law enforcement is in your hands and at the moment I'd say it was a little heavy."**

Artemis: Hmm. Everything he said was true. That was rather insightful of him.

Mulch: (shrugging) Even Julius can amaze you sometimes.

**Holly blinked. Root had never said anything like this before. Usually it was just "fix your helmet" "stand up straight", blah blah blah.**

Foaly: (sniggering) Well, that shows how well you were paying attention.

Holly: Can it, Foaly. Do you ever really listen to criticism like that?

Foaly: Um…

Holly: I rest my case.

**"You have to be the best you can be, Short, and that has to be better than anyone else." **

Artemis: Well, I suppose it's a good thing that she does that with little to no effort.

Foaly: In some people's definition, you mean.

**Root sighed, sinking into his swivel chair. "I don't know, Holly. Ever since that Hamburg affair…"**

Holly and Foaly winced.

Foaly: And the Hamburg thing strikes you once again from the past.

Holly: (groaning) Gods, no one is ever going to let me forget that, are they?

Mulch: After seeing how much anguish the mention of it causes you? Never!

**Holly winced. The Hamburg affair had been a total disaster. **

Foaly: (sighing) You can say that again.

**One of her perps had skipped out to the surface and tried to bargain with the Mud People for asylum. Root had to stop time, call in the Retrieval squad, and do four mindwipes. A lot of police time wasted. All her fault. **

Butler let out a low whistle, while everyone else winced.

Artemis: I must admit, that is rather bad.

Mulch: Nothing on your future escapades, of course.

Holly: (glaring at him) Shut up, Mulch. At least now I can put some of the blame on you, where it belongs!

Mulch: What are you talking about?

Holly: You'll see.

**The commander took up a form from his desk. "It's no use. I've made up my mind. I'm putting you on traffic and bringing in Corporal Frond."**

Foaly: Whoa. I didn't know that he actually threatened you with that.

Holly: (musing to herself) I wonder how things would have turned out if he actually went through with that.

"**Frond!" exploded Holly "She's a bimbo. An airhead. You can't make her the test case!"**

Foaly: That, or you just really don't want to be a Wheelie again.

Holly: Could you blame me? Ugh, that was one of the worst jobs in the world.

**Root's face turned an even darker shade of purple.**

Mulch: Ooh. I didn't even know that was possible.

"**I can and I will. Why shouldn't I? You have never given your best…Either that or your best just isn't good enough. Sorry, Short, you had your chance…"**

N*1: Ouch.

Angeline: That does seem rather harsh.

Foaly: Why pick Frond though? He would have probably ended up strangling her within the hour.

**The commander turned back to his paperwork. The meeting was over. Holly could only stand there, aghast. She'd blown it. The best career opportunity she was ever likely to get and she'd tossed it in the gutter. One mistake and the future was past. It wasn't fair. Holly felt an uncharacteristic anger take hold of her, but she swallowed it. This was no time to lose her temper.**

Artemis: Hmm.

Holly: What, Artemis?

Artemis: I'm inclined to wonder if he provoked you on purpose, to give you more motivation, so to speak.

Foaly: That is something that I can see Julius doing. It's really the only thing that makes sense. He'd sooner hire Mulch than work with Frond, of all people.

Minerva: I have a question. You use the name 'Frond' as an explicative, and now there is a person named Frond. Are they…?

Holly: The same person? No. Frond is the name of the last king of the fairies.

Foaly: Corporal Lili Frond, the Frond they are talking about, is a descendant of him.

Minerva: Ah. I see.

"**Commander Root, Sir. I feel I deserve one more chance."**

**Root didn't even look up from his paper work. "And why's that?"**

**Holly took a deep breath. "Because of my record, sir. It speaks for itself, apart from the Hamburg thing. Ten successful recons. Not a single memory wipe or time stop, apart from…"**

Foaly: The Hamburg thing.

"**The Hamburg thing," completed Root.**

**Holly took a chance. "If I were male – one of your precious sprites – we wouldn't even be having this conversation."**

Mulch: Of course not.

**Root glanced up sharply. "Now, just a minute, Captain Short—"**

Artemis: I must say, he really is a good actor when he wants to be.

Mulch: That's our Julius.

**He was interrupted by the bleeping of one of the phones on his desk. Then two, then three. A giant view screen crackled into life on the wall behind him.**

Angeline: What is going on?

Holly thought back for a moment, then groaned.

Juliet: What?

Holly: I'm pretty sure I know what's coming up.

Juliet: Which is…?

Holly: Something you'll have to wait and see.

**Root jabbed the speaker button, putting all the callers on conference.**

"**Yes?"**

"**We've got a runner."**

**Root nodded. "Anything on scopes?"**

**Scopes was the shop name for the shrouded trackers attached to American communications satellites.**

"**Yep," said caller two. "Big blip in Europe. Southern Italy. No shield."**

Minerva: Fairies can shield?

Artemis: It should explain that soon.

**Root cursed. An unshielded fairy could be seen by mortal eyes. That wasn't so bad if the perp was humanoid.**

"**Classification?"**

"**Bad news commander," said the third caller. "We got us a rouge troll."**

Foaly: Ohhhh. Now I remember.

Butler: Are we going to find out what you were doing previously that night, Holly?

Holly: Yes. And it's nothing good.

**Root rubbed his eyes. Why did these things always happen on his watch? **

Mulch: Hehe. He's right. These things always do happen on his watch.

**Holly could understand his frustration. Trolls were the meanest of the deep tunnel creatures. **

Mulch: I don't think there are any arguments there.

**They wandered the labyrinth, preying on anything unlucky enough to cross their path. Their tiny brains had no room for rules or restraint.**

**Occasionally one found its way into the shaft of a pressure elevator. Usually the concentrated air fried them, but sometimes one survived and was blasted to the surface. Driven crazy by pain and even the tiniest amount of light, they would generally proceed to destroy everything in their path.**

N*1: You know, I don't think I ever want to meet a troll.

Juliet: Lucky you.

Butler grunted in agreement, and Artemis and Holly exchanged pained glances.

Minerva: Judging by your expressions, I assume that you all will.

Angeline: In this book?

Artemis: …

Holly: Yes. Twice.

Angeline groaned.

Angeline: Why do I get the feeling that this occurred right under my nose?

Artemis: Well…not technically.

**Root shook his head rapidly, recovering himself.**

"**Ok, Captain Short. Looks like you got your chance. You're running hot I take it?"**

Mulch: Stupid question. When is Holly ever running hot?

Holly: Hey! I almost always start out hot! It's not my fault all of you drain me so quickly!

"**Yes, sir," lied Holly, all too aware that Root would suspend her if he knew she'd neglected the ritual.**

Foaly: Yes. Yes, he would.

Mulch: Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Juliet: No, I'm pretty sure that's just you, Smelly.

Mulch: Haha. I can barely breathe for laughing.

**"Good. Then sign yourself out a side-arm and proceed to the target area."**

**Holly glanced at the viewscreen. Scopes were sending high-res shots of an Italian fortified town. A red dot was moving rapidly through the countryside towards human population.**

Angeline: Oh no.

**"Do a thorough reconnaissance and report in. Do not attempt a retrieval. Is that understood?"**

Foaly: No.

**"Yessir."**

Foaly: Lies.

**"We lost six men to troll attacks last quarter. Six men. That was below ground, in familiar territory."**

**"I understand, sir."**

Foaly: No, I'm pretty sure you don't.

**Root pursed his lips doubtfully.**

**"Do you understand, Short? Do you really?"**

**"I think so, sir."**

Foaly: Don't listen to her, Julius.

**"Have you ever seen what a troll can do to flesh and bone?"**

**"No, sir. Not up close."**

Holly: Well, that got remedied quickly.

**"Good. Let's not make today your first time."**

**"Understood."**

**Root glared at her. "I don't know why it is, Captain Short, but whenever you start agreeing with me, I get decidedly nervous."**

Everyone laughed at that.

Foaly: Smart elf.

**Root was right to be nervous. **

Mulch: Of course he was. Everyone knows that when Holly Short and Artemis Fowl's paths cross, it spells disaster.

**If he'd known how this straightforward Recon assignment was going to turn out, he would have probably retired me there and then.**

Holly cringed at that, for she knew that, because of her, he would never get the chance to retire.

**Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon happy kind of history. It was the Spanish-Inquisition, here-comes-the-Hindenburg bag kind of history. Bad for humans and fairies. Bad for everyone.**

Foaly: Er…at least, it was at first.

**Holly proceeded directly to the chutes. Her normally chatty mouth was a grim slash of determination. One chance, that was it. She would allow nothing to break her concentration.**

Mulch: Huh. Let's see how long that lasts.

**There was the unusual queue of holiday visa hopefuls stretching to the corner of Elevator Plaza, but Holly bypassed it by waving her badge at the waiting line. A truculent gnome refused to yield.**

Holly: (huffing) It's always a gnome.

**"How come you LEP guys get to go topside? What's so special about you?"**

Juliet: Gee, I don't know…maybe it's the fact that she's law enforcement?

N*1: Of course not. That would make sense.

**Holly breathed deeply through her nose. Courtesy at all times. **

Mulch: And why don't I ever get to see this courtesy?

Foaly: When do you ever deserve it?

**"Police business, sir. Now if you could just excuse me."**

Foaly: That's not going to work.

**The gnome scratched his massive behind. "I hear you LEP guys make up your police business just to get a look at some moonlight. That's what I hear."**

Angeline: Now that is very rude.

Minerva: Imbecile.

**Holly attempted an amused smile. **

N*1: Bet that didn't work. It never does for me.

**What actually formed on her lips resembled a lemon-sucking grimace.**

Mulch: You know, I may have seen that look before.

Juliet: Yeah, it's the look she gets every time Artemis comes up with another of his schemes.

Holly: I do not.

Artemis: Well, you do have the tendency to grimace at least at little. Or protest in some way.

Holly: Yes, like any sane person would.

Mulch: (gaping at her) You have sanity? Since when?

Foaly: I have to agree with the dwarf. And why didn't you tell me?

**"Whoever told you that is an idiot... sir. Recon venture only above ground when absolutely necessary."**

**The gnome frowned. Obviously he had made up the rumour himself and suspected that Holly might have just called him an idiot. **

Mulch: Did she now?

Minerva: I hate dealing with moronic incompetents.

**By the time he'd figured it out, she had skipped through the double doors.**

Butler: Nice distraction.

Juliet: Yeah, it really does work the best, doesn't it? I do it all the time.

**Foaly was waiting for her in Ops. **

Mulch: Of course he was. He hardly ever leaves.

Foaly: Julius overworked me, I've said it a hundred times.

**Foaly was a paranoid centaur, **

Foaly: Hey! I am not!

Everyone stared at him.

Mulch: The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

Foaly: (huffing) I am not paranoid.

Holly: Yes, yes you are, Foaly.

Mulch: Don't worry, we put up with you anyway.

**convinced that human intelligence agencies were monitoring his transport and surveillance network. To prevent them reading his mind, he wore a tinfoil hat at all times.**

Minerva raised her eyebrows at this, while Angeline giggled a little.

Artemis: And you say that you are not paranoid.

N*1: They're right, I don't believe you.

Foaly glared at them through the monitor.

**He glanced up sharply when Holly entered through the pneumatic double doors.**

**"Anybody see you come in here?"**

N*1: Why does that matter?

Mulch: Oh, no one at all. The place was deserted. No visible signs of a struggle.

**Holly thought about it.**

Mulch: Holly, no! Bad things happen when you do that!

N*1: That explains a lot, if your brain can't even think properly.

**"The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB."**

Minerva: The EIB? I've never heard of that.

Artemis: (smiling faintly) If I'm right, then you wouldn't have.

**Foaly frowned. "The EIB?"**

**"Everyone in the building," smirked Holly.**

Most of the people in the room laughed. Mulch high-fived Holly.

Juliet: That was a good one, Holly.

Artemis: Very clever.

**Foaly rose from his swivel chair and clip-clopped over to her.**

Mulch: Aw, look, it's a cute little pony.

N*1: I didn't know that you felt that way about Foaly, Mulch.

Foaly: What?

Mulch: What are you talking about?

N*1: You called him cute…

Mulch and Foaly: NO!

Mulch: I forbid you to say another word. Holly, continue reading so that we can laugh at Foaly some more.

**"Oh, you're very funny, Short. A regular riot. I thought the Hamburg affair **

Holly: Gah! Stop bringing that up!

**might have knocked some of the cockiness out of you. If I were you, I'd concentrate on the job in hand."**

**Holly composed herself. He was right.**

Mulch: Holly! How could you? The world just died. The strain of carrying the donkey's inflated head was too much for it. And it's all your fault, Holly. See how you like that on your conscience.

N*1: A moment of silence.

**"OK, Foaly. Fill me in."**

Mulch: (whining) Ah man, do we have to listen to this part?

Holly: Yes, Mulch. It's all a part of the book. We can't just skip parts.

Mulch: But the donkey is going to talk our heads off and bore us to death!

**The centaur pointed to a live feed from the Eurosat, which was displayed on a large plasma screen.**

Minerva: Plasma? Is that safe?

Foaly looked too scandalized for words.

Butler: Impressive. You managed to shut the centaur up.

Holly: (answering the question) Yes, it's perfectly safe.

**"This red dot is the troll. **

Mulch: No, it's the tooth fairy. Way to go, Captain Obvious.

**He's moving towards Martina Franca, a fortified town near the city of Brindisi. **

Angeline: Isn't that in Italy?

Minerva: Yes, I believe so.

Mulch: Nooo…it's in the universe of endless doom.

**As far as we can tell, he stumbled into vent E7. It was on cool-down after a surface shot, that's why the troll isn't crispy barbecue right now."**

Mulch: Ew. Even I wouldn't eat that.

Butler: And considering what you do eat, that's saying something.

**Holly grimaced. Charming, she thought.**

N*1: Is it? I didn't think it was charming at all.

Mulch: Your innocence is killing my cynical soul. Hear that? That's the sounds of its shrieks of agony.

**"We've been lucky in that our target has bumped into some food along the way. **

Mulch: Say it isn't so! You actually had good luck?

Foaly: Unbelievable, I know.

Butler: Maybe all the good luck was wasted on this.

Holly: Huh. That would explain a lot.

**He chewed on a couple of cows for an hour or two, so that bought us a bit of time."**

**"A couple of cows?" exclaimed Holly. "Just how big is this fellow?"**

Mulch: It's a troll, Holly. They eat anything that moves, including each other. Why does it surprise you that it ate a cow?

Holly: It wasn't that, it was the amount of what it ate that concerned me.

Mulch: Ah.

**Foaly adjusted his foil bonnet. **

Mulch: (snickering) You make fun of Julius wearing knickerbockers, and yet you're wearing a bonnet.

Foaly: Shut it.

**"Bull troll. Fully grown. One hundred and eighty kilos, with tusks like a wild boar. A really wild boar."**

**Holly swallowed. Suddenly Recon seemed a much better job that Retrieval.**

Foaly: (snorting) Really. Then why don't you ever let Retrieval do its job?

Holly looked slightly sheepish.

**"Right. What have you got for me?"**

Foaly: I should have given you nothing. Maybe the lack of equipment would encourage you to do what you're actually supposed to do.

**Foaly cantered across to the equipment table. He selected what looked like a rectangular wristwatch.**

Foaly looked scandalized at that.

Foaly: How dare the author sully my work like that!

Mulch: Donkey boy. Shut up. Nobody cares.

Foaly: I care!

Mulch: Exactly what I said. Nobody.

**"Locator. You find him, we find you. Routine stuff."**

**"Video?"**

Foaly: (snickering) Bet you wish you didn't have that, huh Holly?

Holly scowled at the reminder of the 'training video' made from this encounter.

**The centaur clipped a small cylinder into the accommodating groove on Holly's helmet.**

**"Live feed. Nuclear battery. No time limit. The mike is voice-activated."**

**"Good," said Holly. "Root said I should take a weapon on this one. Just in case."**

Foaly: I should have known not to listen to Julius and give you a weapon.

Holly: Hey!

Foaly: Well, maybe if you…

Holly: Yes, Foaly, I did something stupid, so shut up.

**"Way ahead of you," said Foaly. He picked up a platinum handgun from the pile. "A Neutrino 2000. The latest model. Even the tunnel gangs don't gave these. Three settings, if you don't mind. Scorched, well done and crisped to a cinder. Nuclear power source too, so plug away. This baby will outlive you by a thousand years."**

Foaly: It seems weird, to think about that being new.

Holly: This happened just a few years ago.

Foaly: That's partly why it seems weird.

**Holly strapped the lightweight weapon into her shoulder holster.**

**"I'm ready... I think."**

Artemis: I'm afraid I don't think so, Captain.

**Foaly chuckled. "I doubt it. No one's really ready for a troll."**

Butler: Definitely not.

**"Thanks for the confidence booster."**

Mulch: You expect confidence from Foaly?

**"Confidence is ignorance," advised the centaur. "If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know."**

**Holly thought about arguing, but didn't. Maybe it was because she had a sneaking suspicion that Foaly was right.**

Mulch: (moaning) Holly, not again. Stop praising the centaur.

Foaly: Ha, it's because I'm always right.

Mulch: See? Now look at the irreparable damage you've done.

**The pressure elevators were powered by gaseous columns vented from the earth's core. The LEP tech boys, under Foaly's guidance, had fashioned titanium eggs that could ride on currents. They had their own independent motors, but for an express ride to the surface there was nothing like the blast from a tidal flare.**

Artemis: …I don't think Butler and I have been in those before.

Angeline: _Meaning that you've been down there before?_

Artemis: Mother…I've been to lots of places…

Angeline: _Lots of places_, sure, but underground! We're talking about underground, Arty!

Mulch: Underground riding magma flares, no less.

Angeline: WHAT?

Minerva: Really? Amazing, what kind of technology…

Angeline: Forget the technology! Magma flares? As in _magma_?

Holly: You shouldn't worry, Madam Fowl. It's safe. We've been doing it for centuries. Artemis and Butler have only been in a shuttle, which is even safer than the pod that I'll be going in. They were fine.

N*1: I would think so, seeing as they're sitting right here.

Juliet: Er…moving on?

Holly: And for the record, Artemis, you don't want to ride in a pod. It's uncomfortable.

**Foaly led her past a long line of chute bays to E7. The pod sat in its clamp, looking very fragile to be rocketing about on magma streams. It's underside was charred black and pockmarked from shrapnel.**

N*1: That's reassuring. It instills such confidence. I would feel perfectly safe riding in that.

**The centaur slapped it fondly on a fender. "This baby's been in service for fifty years. Oldest model still in the chutes."**

N*1: And I didn't think it could get any more perfect. Utterly fantastic.

Mulch: And I thought the sarcasm was my job.

**Holly swallowed. The chutes made her nervous enough without riding in an antique.**

**"When does it come off-line?"**

Foaly: (snorts) Right after you're done using it.

Mulch: How shocking.

Holly: This time it really was your fault though.

**Foaly scratched his hairy belly. "With funding the way it is, not until we have us a fatality."**

Minerva: Charming.

Mulch: You know, I don't think that was a joke.

Angeline: What?

Foaly: …There was no fatality, if that makes you feel better. And if there was, it would really be the Council's fault. They give a budget to Julius, who in turn gives it to me.

**Holly cranked open the heavy door, the rubber seal yielding with a hiss. The pod was not built for comfort. There was barely enough space for a restraining seat among the jumble of electronics.**

Butler: I'm rather grateful that I will never have to ride in one of those.

Juliet: Yeah, you wouldn't fit, especially if _Holly_ can barely fit.

**"What's that?" asked Holly, pointing at a greyish stain on the seats headrest.**

Artemis: Nothing good, I'm sure.

**Foaly shuffled uncomfortably.**

**"Erm…brain fluid, I think. **

Minerva: That's disgusting.

Angeline: Not to mention disturbing.

**We had a pressure leak on the last mission. But that's plugged now. And the officer lived. Down a few IQ points, but alive, and he can still take liquids.**

Juliet: That's so reassuring.

Mulch: Yes, that's exactly what I want to be told after I have some of my brain fluid leak out of my ears. You're stupider, but hey, you're still breathing, and you can take liquids!

**"Well, that's all right then," quipped Holly, threading her way through the mass of wires.**

Mulch: And I think that proves that Holly agrees with us.

**Foaly strapped the harness on to her, checking the restrains thoroughly.**

**"All set?"**

Foaly: Nope.

Mulch: Great. Now the donkey's talking to himself. He must have finally cracked.

Foaly: I'll crack something, alright.

**Holly nodded.**

**Foaly tapped her helmet mike. "Keep in touch," he said, pulling the door behind him.**

Holly sighed, and Artemis flinched a little, knowing that she wouldn't be able to keep in contact, and that he was to blame for that.

**Don't think about it, Holly told herself. **

Minerva: Don't think about what?

**Don't think about the white-hot magma flow that's going to engulf this tiny craft. Don't think about hurtling towards the surface with a MACH 2 force trying to turn you inside-out. And certainly don't think about the blood-crazed troll ready to disembowel you with his tusks. **

Artemis: That was quite descriptive, for something that you weren't supposed to be thinking about.

Angeline: I don't think I like this at all.

Mulch: Don't worry Mama Fowl, shuttles are better.

**Nope. Don't think about any of that stuff... Too late.**

N*1: It's always too late.

**Foaly's voice sounded in her earpiece. "T-minus twenty," he said. "We're on a secure channel in case the Mud People have started underground monitoring. **

Artemis: I'm fairly sure that you would have already known, if that were the case.

Foaly: You never know.

**You never know. **

Juliet: So tell us what you really think.

**An oil tanker from the Middle East intercepted a transmission one time. What a mess that was."**

Artemis: I can imagine.

**Holly adjusted her helmet mike.**

**"Focus, Foaly. My life is in your hands here."**

Mulch: I can't believe you're entrusting it to the donkey.

Juliet: I can't believe we put our lives in _your_ unsanitary hands.

Mulch: You just think you're funny.

**"Uh... OK, sorry. We're going to use the rail to drop you into E7's main shaft, there's a surge due any minute. That should send you the first hundred klicks, then you're on your own."**

Minerva: What? Just…he's just going to drop you down a shaft ending—

Mulch: At the earth's core. Yes. What's so odd about that?

**Holly nodded, curling her fingers around the twin joysticks.**

**"All systems check. Fire it up."**

Mulch: Hehe. Literally.

**There was a whoosh as the pod's engines ignited. The tiny craft jostled in it's housing, shaking Holly like a bead in a rattle. She could barely hear Foaly speaking into her ear.**

N*1: Maybe you should have turned up the volume.

Holly: I was a little preoccupied.

**"You're in the secondary shaft now. Get ready to fly, Short."**

**Holly pulled a rubber cylinder from the dash and slipped it between her teeth. No good having a radio if you've swallowed your tongue. **

Butler: Indeed.

**She activated the external camera and put the view on screen.**

**The entrances to E7 were creeping towards her. The air was shimmering in the landing-light glow. White-hot sparks tumbled into the secondary shaft. Holly couldn't hear the roar, but she could imagine it. A raw skinning wind like a million trolls howling.**

Artemis: Yes. I most definitely do not want to undergo this particular experience.

Angeline: And if I have anything to say about it, you most definitely will not!

**Her fingers tightened around the joysticks. The pod shuddered to a halt at the lip. The chute stretched above and below. Massive. Boundless. Like dropping an ant down a drainpipe.**

Butler: I actually think that's an understatement.

**"Right-o," crackled Foaly. "Hold on to your breakfast. Rollercoasters ain't got nothing on this."**

Minerva: I don't think I would want to try this either. I rather detest rollercoasters.

Foaly: If we have it our way, you won't get the chance.

**Holly nodded. She couldn't speak, not with the rubber in her mouth. The centaur would be able to see her in the podcam anyway.**

**"**_**Sayonara**_**, sweetheart," said Foaly, and pressed the button.**

Holly: And you always say that it's so much harder than pressing the button.

**The pod's clamp tilted, rolling Holly into the abyss. Her stomach tightened as G-force took hold, dragging her to the center of the earth. The seismology section had a million probes down here, with a 99.8 success rate at predicting the magma flares. But there was always that point two percent.**

Foaly: (huffing) Oh please. As if I would let that happen.

Butler: And as if it would happen to you. The dwarf managed to fly a shuttle, so I'm sure you could handle this.

Holly: While this is all very touching, need I remind you that this is all in the past? It's already happened.

Foaly: Just saying. It's insulting when you doubt me like this.

**The fall seemed to last for an eternity. And just when Holly had mentally consigned herself to the scrap heap, she felt it. The unforgettable vibration. The feeling that outside her tiny sphere, the whole world was being shaken apart. Here it comes.**

Angeline's eyes were widening in horror.

**"Fins," she said, spitting the word around the cylinder.**

**Foaly may have replied; she couldn't hear him anymore. **

Mulch: That's never stopped him before.

**Holly couldn't even hear herself, but she did see the stabilization fins slide out on the monitor.**

**The flare caught her like a hurricane, spinning the pod at first until the fins caught. Half-melted rocks pelted the craft's underside, jolting it towards the chute walls. Holly compensated with bursts from the joysticks.**

**The heat was tremendous in the confined space, enough to fry a human. But fairy lungs are made of stronger stuff. The acceleration dragged at her body with invisible hands stretching the flesh over her arms and face. Holly blinked salty sweat from her eyes and concentrated on the monitor. The flare had totally engulfed her pod, and it was a big one too. Force seven at the very least. A good 500-metre girth. Orange-striped magma swirled and hissed around her, searching for a weak point in the metal casing.**

Angeline was almost hyperventilating at this point.

Foaly: Relax. Artemis and Butler have never done this. Shuttles don't need flares to work.

Angeline did calm down a bit at that news.

**The pod groaned and complained, fifty-year-old rivets threatening to pop.**

N*1: Oh yes, it seems to working just fine.

Holly glared at Foaly.

Foaly: Um…

**Holly shook her head. The first thing she was going to do on her return was kick Foaly straight in his hairy behind. **

Foaly: I'm rather glad that you forgot about that.

Mulch: Do it now, Holly! Kick him now!

Holly: Nah. I'll wait until later, when he's not expecting it.

**She felt like a nut inside a shell, between a gnome's molars. **

Mulch: (huffing) That expression should be in between a dwarf's molars. I'm going to write a letter of complaint to the author.

Foaly: You can write? I'm almost afraid to ask with what.

**Doomed.**

**A bow plate buckled, popped in as though punched by a giant fist. The pressure light blinked on. Holly could feel her head being squeezed. The eyes would be the first to go—popping like ripe berries.**

Minerva shuddered at that.

**She checked the dials. Twenty more seconds before she rode out the flare and was running on thermals. Those twenty seconds seemed like an age. Holly sealed the helmet to protect her eyes, riding out the final barrage of rocks. **

**And suddenly they were clear, sailing upward on the comparatively gentle spirals of hot air. Holly added her own thrusters to the upward force. No time to waste floating around on the wind. **

Foaly: The same can't be said for when you use a shuttle. You always waste time doing your flyboy thing then.

**Above her, a circle of neon lights marked the docking zone. Holly swiveled horizontal and pointed the docking nodes at the lights. This was delicate. Many Recon pilots had made it this far, only to miss the port and lose valuable time. **

Mulch: (sniggering) What losers.

Foaly: Not you, though.

**Not Holly. She was a natural. First in the academy.**

Artemis: Of course.

**She gave the thrusters one final squeeze and coasted the last hundred feet. Using the rudders beneath her feet, she teased the pod through the circle of light and into its clamp on the landing pad. The nodes revolved, settling into their grooves. Safe.**

N*1: Yes, for now.

**Holly smacked herself on the chest, releasing the safety harness. Once the door seal was opened, sweet surface air flooded the cabin. There was nothing like that first breath after a ride in the chutes. She breathed deeply, purging the stale pod air from her lungs. How had the People ever left the surface? **

Minerva: Why did you?

Holly: It would take too long to explain, and I'm sure that these books will talk about it somewhere. So just wait until then.

Minerva: (huffing slightly) Fine.

**Sometimes she wished that her ancestors had stayed to fight it out with the Mud People. **

Artemis: Do you really?

Holly: I don't really think about the fighting part of it. I just think about getting to stay on the surface.

Artemis: Ah. I see.

**But there were too many of them. Unlike fairies who could produce only a single child every twenty years, Mud People bred like rodents. Numbers would subdue even magic. **

Artemis: Quite true. (He gave Minerva a pointed look.)

**Although she was enjoying the night air, Holly could taste traces of pollutants. The Mud People destroyed everything they came into contact with. Of course they didn't live in the mud anymore. Not in this country, at least. Oh no. Big fancy dwellings with rooms for everything—rooms for sleeping, rooms of eating, even a room to go to the toilet! Indoors! Holly shuddered. Imagine going to the toilet inside your own house. Disgusting! The only good thing about going to the toilet was the minerals being returned to the earth, but the Mud People had even managed to botch that up by treating the…stuff…with bottles of blue chemicals. If anyone had told her a hundred years ago that humans would be taking the fertile out of fertilizer, she would have told them to get some air holes drilled in their skull.**

Angeline waited until that paragraph was done with before commenting.

Angeline: (softly) Do you really think humans are that bad?

Holly: (hesitating a little) Like it or not, collectively you _are_ that bad. But the past few years has raised my view of humans a significant amount.

**Holly unhooked a set of wings from their bracket. They were double ovals, with a clunky motor. She moaned. Dragonflies. **

Holly shuddered at the memory of those wings.

Juliet: I'm going to go out on a limb and say that those aren't your favorites.

**She hated that model. Gas engine, if you believe it. **

This time it was Foaly who shuddered.

**And heavier than a pig dipped in mud. Now the Hummingbird Z7, that was transport. Whisper silent, with a satellite-bounced solar battery that would fly you twice around the world. But there were budgets cuts again. **

Foaly: (grumbling) I hate budget cuts.

Butler: At least your budget doesn't get cut anymore.

Foaly: True. But still. Those days were terrible.

**On her wrist, the locater began to beep. She was in range. Holly stepped out of the pod and on to the landing bay. She was inside a camouflaged mound of earth, commonly known as a fairy fort. Indeed, the People used to live in these until they were driven deeper underground. There wasn't much technology. Just a few external monitors, and a self-destruct device should the bay be discovered.**

Minerva: Fascinating. How exactly…

Holly: Now is not the time. If it's not explained by the books, we'll have Foaly explain it to you later.

Foaly: (giving a certain human a look) Or just ask Artemis. He seems to know an awful lot about our technology.

**There was nothing on the screens. All clear. The pneumatic doors were slightly askew where the troll had barged through, but otherwise everything seemed operational. Holly strapped on the wings, stepping into the outside world. **

**The Italian night sky was crisp and brisk, infused with olives and vine. Crickets clicked in the rough grass, and moths fluttered in the starlight. Holly couldn't stop herself smiling. It was worth the risk, every bit of it. **

Mulch: I don't agree with you.

**Speaking of risk…She checked the locator. The bip was much stronger now. The troll was almost at the town walls! She could appreciate nature after the mission was over. Now it was time for action.**

Foaly: Unfortunately, when we're talking about you, it's the wrong kind of action.

**Holly primed the wings' motor, pulling the starter cord over her shoulder. Nothing. **

Artemis: Now that is surprising.

Foaly: Not really, considering that it's _gas powered_. Ugh.

**She fumed silently. Every spoiled kid in Haven had a Hummingbird for their wilderness holidays, and here were the LEP with wings that were junk when they were new. **

Angeline: That is ridiculous.

**She yanked the cord again, and then again. On the third wrench it caught, spewing a stream of smoke and fumes into the night. **

The 'conscientious' fairies wrinkled their noses at the pollution.

Mulch: (obviously not one of those conscientious fairies) About time.

"**About time," **

Mulch: Holly! Stop copying my words!

Holly: I'm not even going to bother to try to argue or talk sense into you.

Foaly: Wise decision on the whole, I think.

**she grunted, flicking the throttle wide open. The wings flapped their way up to a steady beat and, with not a little effort, lifted Captain Holly Short into the night sky.**

**Even without the locator, the troll would have been easy to follow. **

Foaly: Of course it would have been. Trolls are hardly subtle.

**It had left a trail of destruction wider than a tunnel excavator. Holly flew low, skipping between mist hazes and trees, matching the troll's course. The crazed creature had cut a swathe through the middle of a vineyard, turned a stone wall to rubble, and left a guard dog gibbering under a hedge. **

Mulch: Huh. Surprised it didn't eat the dog.

Holly: Mulch!

Mulch: What? I'm just saying! It's what I would have done.

Foaly: I think we should be worried that you are thinking like a troll. But I'm not that fussed, really.

**Then she flew over the cows. It was not a pretty sight. Without going into details, let's just say that there wasn't much left besides horns and hooves.**

N*1: (making a face) Probably blood, too. And—

Minerva: No one ever said that we needed the details filled in, either.

**The red **_**bip**_** was louder now. Louder meant closer. **

Foaly: (rolling his eyes) Thank you Captain Obvious.

Mulch: Which is even funnier considering that she is a captain.

Foaly: I really should make the effort to worry about you sometimes.

**She could see the town below her, nestled on top of a low hill, surrounded by a crenellated wall from the Middle Ages. Lights still burned in most windows. Time for a little magic. **

Minerva sat up at this, ready to take mental notes, and Angeline also looked curious.

**A lot of the magic attributed to the People is just superstition. But they do have certain powers. Healing, the **_**mesmer**_**, and shielding being among them. **

Foaly: Here we go, Mud Maid. It should explain shielding now.

Minerva: Good.

**Shielding is really a misnomer. What fairies actually do is vibrate at such a high frequency that they are never in one place long enough to be seen. Humans may notice a slight shimmer in the air if they are paying close attention—which they rarely are. And even then the shimmer is generally attributed to evaporation. Typical of Mud People to invent a complicated explanation for a simple phenomenon.**

Minerva: How utterly fascinating. And now I know what to keep a lookout for.

Artemis: Hardly. It is not so simple anymore.

**Holly switched on her shield. It took a bit more out of her than usual. She could feel the strain in the beads of sweat on her forehead. I really **_**should**_** complete the Ritual, she thought. The sooner the better.**

Foaly shook his head at that, as Holly sighed and Artemis and Butler looked down. Artemis had decided that his mother was probably going to kill him.

**Some commotion below broke into her thoughts. Something that didn't gel with the night time noises. **

Butler: The troll, I presume.

**Holly adjusted the trim on her backpack and flew in for a closer look. Look only, she reminded herself, that was her job. **

Foaly: (snorting) Maybe we need to brand it into your forehead to get that point across.

**A Recon officer was sent up the chutes to pinpoint the target, while the Retrieval boys took a nice, cushy shuttle. **

N*1: That hardly seems fair. The shuttle part, I mean.

Foaly: With Recon, speed is usually of the utmost importance, and pods are faster. Plus, it's kind of compensation, as Retrieval is _supposed_ to have the harder job. (He sent a pointed look at Holly)

Holly: He's right, though. Maybe if Retrieval had gotten there faster I wouldn't have acted as I did.

**The troll was directly below her, pounding against the town's outer wall, which was coming away in chunks beneath his powerful fingers. **

Angeline gasped in horror at this.

**Holly sucked in a startled gasp. This guy was a monster! Big as an elephant and ten times as mean. **

Angeline: (her eyes widening even more) You have all faced _that_?

Holly: Yes. The very same one.

Artemis: Was it really?

Foaly: Yep. Good thing we had a troll on standby, huh?

Butler: Lucky me, I got to face the monster troll.

**But this particular beast was worse than mean, he was scared. **

Butler: Even worse.

Holly: Tell me about it.

"**Control," said Holly into her mike. "Runner located. Situation critical topside."**

**Root himself was on the other end of the comlink.**

Minerva: Is that unusual?

Foaly: It's not unheard of, but generally Julius is supposed to stay underground.

Mulch: Doesn't stop him much though.

Foaly: Yeah. Julius is a field fairy.

"**Clarify, Captain."**

**Holly pointed her video link at the troll.**

"**Runner is going through the town wall. Contact imminent. How far away is Retrieval?"**

"**ETA five minutes minimum. We're still in the shuttle."**

**Holly bit her lip. Root was in the shuttle?**

Mulch: (laughing) Yeah, and that's a bad thing because you already know that you're going to go against orders.

"**That's too long, Commander. This whole town is going to explode in ten seconds…I'm going in."**

Angeline: (her eyes widening still further) So you had to go in.

Foaly: Of course. No matter how much we tease her about it, Holly never disobeys orders without good reason.

"**Negative, Holly…**

Foaly: (blinking) He called you Holly.

Several other people looked surprised at this too.

Holly: He calls me that every once in a while. You know that Foaly.

Foaly: It's not that. I'm just surprised he called you that in the middle of a mission. Julius is normally a stickler for protocol.

Holly just shrugged at him.

**Captain Short. You don't have an invite. **

Angeline: Invite?

Minerva: (also looking curious) What does he mean by that?

Artemis: It's fairy law. No fairy can enter a human dwelling without permission, unless if they want to forfeit their magic.

Minerva: Hmm.

Angeline: But how is she supposed to stop the troll?

Mulch: It's Holly. She'll find a way.

**You know the law. Hold your position."**

"**But, Commander—"**

**Root cut her off. "No! No buts, Captain. Hang back. That's an order!"**

**Holly's entire body felt like a heartbeat. Gasoline fumes were addling her brain. **

Foaly: (snorting) What an excuse.

Holly glared at him.

**What could she do? What was the right decision to make? Lives or orders?**

Angeline: (her tone unusually firm) Lives.

**Then the troll broke through the wall and a child's voice split the night.**

Angeline: (gasping) What? Oh no, you have to go in there now!

Minerva: (eyes wide) Yes, you do.

Mulch: I thought we made it clear by now that she does.

"_**Aiuto!**_**" it screamed.**

**Help. An invitation. At a stretch. **

Minerva: Why is it at a stretch?

Artemis: Generally, it is supposed to be something more straightforward. In this situation, however, one can technically construe a cry for aid as an invitation, because one would be 'inviting' someone to assist them.

"**Sorry, Commander. The troll is light-crazy and there are children in there."**

Angeline: Light-crazy?

Foaly: Trolls are nocturnal cave dwellers. They are sensitive to light.

Mulch: Like me.

Foaly: That's not something to be proud of there, Mulch.

**She could imagine Root's face, purple with rage as he spat into the mike.**

Mulch: I think we all can.

"**I'll have your stripes, Short! **

Foaly: (rolling his eyes) Oh please. As if you'd ever fire her, Julius.

N*1: He wouldn't?

Mulch: Nah. He would have booted her out after the Hamburg thing (Holly winced) if that were the case. Even I know that.

**You'll spend the next hundred years on drain duty!"**

Foaly: That on the other hand, he might go through with.

**But it was no use. Holly had disconnected her mike and swooped in after the troll. **

Foaly: (grumbling and glaring at her) Why, Holly? Why do you always do that? What's the point of giving you a mike if you aren't going to use it?

Holly: I did use it! Besides, I did it at that point because I _didn't _want to stay in contact with you.

Foaly: Whatever.

**Streamlining her body, Captain Short ducked into the hole. She appeared to be in a restaurant. A packed restaurant. **

Mulch: Of course it's a packed restaurant. With Holly's luck, what else could it have been?

Foaly: Maybe this is why you and Artemis get along so well, Holly. You both have a lot in common.

Artemis: Such as?

Butler: Extremely bad luck and a habit of putting yourselves into the worst situations?

Foaly: Or maybe it's that when you guys decide to break the rules you both smash them to bits.

**The troll had been temporarily blinded by the electric light and was thrashing about in the center of the floor.**

N*1: Where's the screaming? Shouldn't there be screaming?

Foaly: Not yet. Shock comes first. Then screaming.

**The patrons were stunned. **

Foaly: See? Shock.

Mulch: Donkey, really, we don't need you to repeat yourself.

**Even the child's plea had petered out. They sat gaping, party hats perched comically on their heads. Waiters froze, huge trays of pasta quivering on their splayed fingers. Chubby Italian infants covered their eyes with chubby fingers. It was always like this in the beginning: the shocked silence. Then came the screaming.**

N*1: So we've heard.

**A wine bottle crashed to the floor. It broke the spell. The pandemonium started. **

Mulch: There's your screams, N*1.

**Holly winced. Trolls hated noise almost as much as light. **

Juliet: Of course they do.

**The troll lifted massive shaggy shoulders, its retractable claws sliding out with an ominous **_**schiiick**_**. Classic predator behavior. The beast was about to strike.**

Butler nodded his head in agreement, memories of his later encounter with this troll flickering through his mind.

**Holly drew her weapon and flicked it up to the second setting. She couldn't kill the troll under any circumstances. **

Minerva: Why not?

Foaly: It goes against every law in the Book. No fairy can kill another fairy.

Minerva: The troll is considered a fairy?

Mulch: Yes. Even goblins are considered fairies. Pity, that.

Foaly: It really wouldn't be as strict about trolls, but if Holly did end up killing him, she'd have hell to pay with Internal Affairs. They would love an excuse to get rid of her. She was breaking enough rules as it was, anyway.

**Not to save humans. But she could certainly put him out until Retrieval arrived. **

Foaly shook his head at that.

**Aiming for the weak point at the base of the skull, **

Butler: I'll have to remember that.

**she let the troll have a long burst of the concentrated ion ray. The beast staggered, stumbled a few steps, then got very angry.**

N*1: Because I'm sure it wasn't already angry.

**It's okay, thought Holly, I'm shielded. Invisible. To any onlookers it would seem as though the pulsing blue beam emanated from thin air.**

Artemis: Why do I doubt that?

Mulch: Because that would be lucky, and luck avoids you and Holly like the plague.

Foaly: And I'm sure you would know all about the plague, dwarf.

**The troll rounded on her, its muddy dreadlocks swinging like candles. **

Minerva wrinkled her nose in distaste.

**No panic. It can't see me.**

**The troll picked up a table.**

Mulch: Uh, Holly? I'm no expert, but I say that now would be a good time to duck. Even if you are invisible.

Holly: Guess I should have thought of that.

N*1: Oh great.

**Invisible. Totally invisible. **

**He pulled back a shaggy arm and let fly.**

**Just a slight shimmer in the air.**

Foaly: HOLLY!

Mulch: For Frond's sake! It's throwing a table at you, and you still think that you're invisible?

Foaly: DUCK, YOU IDIOT!

**The air tumbled straight toward her head.**

**Holly moved. A second too late. **

Foaly: (grumbling) Try a minute too late.

Mulch: And here I was thinking you were quick on the uptake. My mistake.

**The table clipped her backpack, knocking the gas tank clean off. It spun through the air, trailing flammable fluid. **

N*1: Uh oh. Not good.

Minerva: Really not good.

**Italian restaurants—wouldn't you know it—full of candles. **

N*1: Of course they are. After all, what restaurant would be complete without candles, especially one where an epic battle was taking place?

**The tank twirled right through an elaborate candelabrum and burst into flames like some deadly firework. **

Mulch shuddered at the thought of the fire.

**Most of the gas landed on the troll. So did Holly.**

Foaly sighed, although there was a faint glimmer of amusement in his eyes. This was where the training video started.

Foaly: What's with you and getting up close and personal with trolls, Holly?

**The troll could see her. There was no doubt about it. **

Mulch: And you only just _now_ figured that out?

**It squinted at her through the hated light, its brow a rictus of pain and fear. Her shield was off. Her magic was gone.**

Foaly: Wow, Holly, you must have been really low to lose it that fast.

Holly: (mumbling) You have no idea.

**Holly twisted in the troll's grip, but it was useless. The creature's fingers were the size of bananas, but nowhere near as pliant. They were squashing the breath from her rib cage with savage ease. Needlelike claws were scraping at the toughened material of her uniform. Any second now, they would punch through, and that would be that.**

**Holly couldn't think. The restaurant was a carousel of chaos. The troll was gnashing its tusks; greasy molars trying to grip her helmet. Holly could smell its fetid breath through her filters. She could smell the odor of burning fur too, as the fire spread along the troll's back.**

N*1: And it didn't notice that it was on fire?

**The beast's green tongue rasped across her visor, sliming the lower section. **

Mulch: So it was licking you? Yuck!

**The visor! That was it. Her only chance. Holly wormed her free hand to the helmet controls. The tunnel lights, High beams. **

Artemis: So this is where you got the idea from.

**She depressed the sunken button, and eight hundred watts of unfiltered light blasted from the twin spotlights above her eyes. **

Foaly: That should do it.

**The troll reared back, a penetrating scream exploding from between rows of teeth. Dozens of glasses and bottles shattered where they stood. **

Mulch: And somewhere out in the world there is an immensely jealous opera singer, although why humans want to break glass with their singing is beyond me.

Foaly: That'd be interesting. A troll in an opera.

Mulch: Eh, there are already human trolls in them. Why not a real one?

**It was too much for the poor beast. Stunned, set on fire, and now blinded. The shock and pain made their way through to its tiny brain, ordering it to shut down. The troll complied, keeling over with almost comical stiffness. Holly rolled to avoid a scything tusk. **

Foaly: That would have sucked if it got you.

Mulch: And also slightly ironic. Killing you without meaning to.

Minerva: What happens if the troll's tusks pierce the skin?

Butler: Don't worry, that question will definitely be answered later on.

Angeline groaned at that, although she looked relieved that Holly's present ordeal with the troll appeared to be over.

**There was complete silence, but for the tinkling glass, crackling fur, and the sudden release of breath. **

Minerva: Wait. What were the other people doing all this time?

Artemis: After the initial panic, they probably spent their time pondering over whether to believe their eyes as they witnessed a conflict between two alien beings that aren't supposed to exist.

**Holly climbed shakily to her feet. There were a lot of eyes following her—human eyes. She was one hundred percent visible. **

Mulch: (groaning) I thought we already established this? Get it through your head, Holly. They. Can. See. You.

**And these humans wouldn't stay complacent for long. This breed never did. Containment was the issue. **

**She raised her empty palms. A gesture of peace. **

"_**Scusatemi tutti**_**," she said, the language flowing easily from her tongue. **

Minerva: Oh, yes. The gift of tongues.

Foaly: Glad that you're keeping up. Well, no, I'm not really.

**The Italians, ever graceful, muttered that it was nothing. **

**Holly reached slowly into her pocket and withdrew a small sphere. She placed it in the middle of the floor. **

"_**Guardate**_**," she said. Look.**

**The restaurant's patrons complied, leaning in to see the small silver ball. **

Foaly: (shaking his head) Bless human nature, sometimes.

**It was ticking, faster and faster, almost like a countdown.**

Juliet: I kind of think it is a countdown.

Mulch: No, Stinker, what gave you that impression?

**Holly turned her back to the sphere. Three, two, one…**

_**Boom! Flash! **_**Mass unconsciousness.**

Mulch: How unexpected.

**Nothing fatal, but headaches all around in about forty minutes. Holly sighed. Safe. For the moment. She ran to the door and slid the latch across. Nobody was going in or out. **

Mulch: Uh-huh. And the troll just used the front door, did it?

**Except through the big gaping hole in the wall. Next she doused the smouldering troll with the contents of the restaurant's fire extinguisher, hoping the icy powder wouldn't revive the sleeping behemoth. **

N*1: It was _still_ on fire?

Foaly: Sure. There's a lot of grease in that fur.

Minerva: How is it that it didn't die from being on fire for so long?

Foaly: Unfortunately, trolls, like all fairies are very resilient, and that includes against fire. Except dwarves. They don't do fire.

Mulch shuddered again, confirming his point.

**Holly surveyed the mess she had created. There was no doubt, it was a shambles. Worse than Hamburg. **

Foaly: Well…I don't think it's worse than that. At least there was no time stop here.

Holly: True.

**Root would skin her alive.**

Foaly: Well, that's true. No helping you there.

Holly: Gee, thanks Foaly.

**She'd rather face the troll any day. This was the end of her career for sure, **

Foaly: Oh Holly, you've got so much to learn.

Mulch: As if Julius would let you off that easily.

**but suddenly that didn't seem so important because her ribs were aching, and she had a blinder of a pressure headache coming on. Perhaps a rest, just for a second, so she could pull herself together before Retrieval showed up.**

Angeline: They still aren't there?

Foaly: It all happened pretty quickly. And anyway, what could they do? If they had tried to help her, they might have just made it worse.

Butler nodded in agreement at that.

**Holly didn't even bother looking for a chair. She simply allowed her legs to buckle beneath her, sinking to the chessboard linoleum floor. **

Angeline: (slightly concerned) Oh, I do hope you are alright.

Holly: I was fine. Compared to other injuries I've gotten, this was nothing.

N*1: Yes, the fact that you immediately fall unconscious after the adrenaline wore off is a sure sign that you are perfectly fine.

**Waking up to Commander Root's bulging features is the stuff of nightmares. **

Mulch: Agreed. That's just horrible. I feel sorry for you.

**Holly's eyes flickered open, and for a second she could have sworn that there was concern in those eyes. **

N*1: He's not angry? I thought you said he was going to be angry?

The mood of all those who had known Root was rather somber, even Mulch.

Foaly: He doesn't show it a lot…but Julius really did care about Holly quite a lot.

Holly: (murmuring) He was like a father to me.

The next silence lasted for a little while before it was broken by Minerva.

Minerva: The way you all talk about him…I get the impression that he's…

Mulch: (quietly) Dead?

Minerva: Yes. I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry…

Foaly: Don't worry about it. You'll probably hear more about it in the future.

Artemis: And yes, he is dead.

Juliet: (softly) Shall we continue?

**But then it was gone, replaced by the customary vein-popping fury.**

Mulch: (trying to recover some of the earlier levity) Naturally. There's the Julius Beetroot we all know and love.

"**Captain Short!" he roared, mindless of her headache. "What in the name of sanity happened here?"**

Foaly: (snorting) Julius, you should know by now that sanity had nothing to do with it.

**Holly rose shakily to her feet.**

"**I…That is…There was…" The sentences just wouldn't come. **

N*1: It's just awful when that happens. And always seems to be at the worst time.

"**You disobeyed a direct order. I told you to hang back! You know it's forbidden to enter a human building without an invitation."**

Minerva: (raising her eyebrows) Seeing as he's there, I would assume that he accepted the invitation as well.

**Holly shook the shadows from her vision.**

"**I got invited in. A child called for help."**

"**You're on shaky ground there, Short."**

Mulch: And what kind of ground are you on there, Julius?

"**There is precedent, sir. Corporal Rowe versus the State. The jury ruled that the trapped woman's cry for help could be accepted as an invitation into the building. Anyway, you're all here now. That means you accepted the invitation, too."**

Minerva: Exactly. Although I didn't know the first bit.

Foaly: Holly, do you just memorize the things that might bail you out later?

Holly: Shut up, Foaly. I may not be a genius, but I'm not stupid or incompetent either.

"**Hmm," said Root doubtfully. "I suppose you were lucky. Things could have been worse."**

**Holly looked around. Things couldn't have been a lot worse. The establishment was pretty trashed, and there were forty humans out for the count. **

Foaly: Okay…I think I see what you're saying now about it being worse than Hamburg. Forty humans. Wow.

Butler: At least they're all unconscious.

Mulch: Yeah, and you're going to be wiping them anyway.

Holly: Still, the only thing that made Hamburg worse was the time stop.

**The tech boys were attaching mind-wipe electrodes to the temples of unconscious diners.**

Minerva: That is what you were talking about before we started this book?

Angeline: What exactly is that? Mind-wipe?

Foaly: Er…basically its technology that I designed that allows us to delete memories, if you will. Although it's not really deleting. More like suppressing. But essentially I can make all those diners forget the incident with the troll they just saw.

Minerva: Oh…

Foaly: Yeah, there's more to it than that…

Mulch: And that will eventually be explained. Moving on.

"**We managed to secure the area, in spite of half the town hammering on the door."**

N*1: Why are they hammering on the door when there's a huge hole in the wall?

Mulch: They're humans, what do you expect?

"**What about the hole?"**

**Root smirked. "See for yourself."**

Mulch: Wow, Julius is actually calm and not shouting. Holly's bad luck must not have run out yet.

Minerva: What makes you say that?

Mulch: Because Julius like this is just unnatural. I'm waiting for the universe to right itself again.

**Holly glanced over. Retrieval had jimmied a hologram lead into the existing electricity sockets and were projecting an unbattered wall over the hole. **

Minerva: Aren't those just holograms? You're going to need more than that to cover this up.

Foaly: Psh. The holograms are temporary. Just watch and learn, Mud Girl. We've been doing this for centuries.

**The holograms were handy for quick patches, but no good under scrutiny. Anyone who examined the wall too closely would have noticed that the slightly transparent patch was exactly the same as the stretch beside it. **

Juliet: Yes, because the first thing that any normal person is going to do upon entering a restaurant is examine the wall.

Mulch: I would, just to make sure that I have an exit if I can't get through the floor.

Minerva: The floor?

Juliet: Yes, but you're not a normal person, are you, Smelly?

Artemis: Minerva, Mulch's many…attributes should be explained in good time.

**In this case there were two identical patches of spiderweb cracks and two reproductions of the same Rembrandt. But the people inside the pizzeria were in no condition to examine walls and by the time they woke up, the wall would have been repaired by the telekinetic division, and the entire paranormal experience would be removed from their memories.**

Foaly: (smugly) See? Don't ever doubt _my_ technology.

**A Retrieval officer bolted from the restroom.**

Mulch: Is this the moment I've been anticipating? Is the universe going to right itself once more?

"**Commander!"**

"**Yes, sergeant?"**

"**There's a human in here, sir. The Concusser didn't reach him. He's coming, sir. Right now, sir!"**

Juliet: Wow. How long has he been in the bathroom?

Mulch: Wait for it…

"**Shields!" barked Root. "Everyone!"**

Juliet: Show of hands, who thinks that Holly won't get her shield up?

**Holly tried. **

Mulch: Show of hands again, who thinks that the human will look at Holly first?

**She really did. **

N*1: I believe you, Holly.

**But it wouldn't come. Her magic was gone. A toddler waddled out of the bathroom, his eyes heavy with sleep. **

Mulch: (sniggering) So, what, he fell asleep on the toilet through this whole thing?

**He pointed a pudgy finger directly at Holly.**

Mulch: And I was right.

Foaly: And it seems that the universe is going to right itself and Julius will be very angry.

"_**Ciao, fulletta**_**," he said, before climbing into his father's lap to continue his snooze.**

**Root shimmered back into the visible spectrum. He was, if possible, even angrier than before. **

Foaly: Actually, he was pretty mellow before. But yeah, I imagine he's just furious now.

"**What happened to your shield, Short?"**

**Holly swallowed. **

"**Stress, Commander," she offered hopefully.**

Foaly: (snorting) That won't work, especially with you, Holly. You work the best under stress.

**Root wasn't having any of it. "You lied to me, Captain. You're not running hot at all, are you?"**

**Holly shook her head mutely.**

"**How long since you completed the Ritual?"**

**Holly chewed her lip. **

Mulch: Uh oh, it must have been quite awhile if you're hesitating in answering.

"**I'd say…about…four years, sir."**

Foaly: D'Arvit, Holly.

Artemis: _Four years_? That is quite the length of time, Captain.

Holly: Shut it, all of you.

**Root nearly popped a vein.**

"**Four…four years? It's a wonder you lasted this long! Do it now. Tonight! You're not coming below ground again without your powers. **

Several people cringed at this, and Angeline was giving Artemis a suspicious glare.

**You're a danger to yourself and your fellow officers!"**

"**Yessir."**

"**Get a set of Hummingbirds from Retrieval and zip across to the old country. There's a full moon tonight."**

"**Yessir."**

"**And don't think I've forgotten about this shambles. We'll talk about it when you get back."**

Foaly: (muttering under his breath) No you won't.

"**Yessir. Very good, sir."**

**Holly turned to go, but Root cleared his throat for attention.**

"**Oh, and Captain Short…"**

"**Yessir?"**

**Root's face had lost its purple tinge—he almost seemed embarrassed. **

Foaly: As always happens when Julius tries to be nice on any level.

"**Well done on the life-saving thing. Could have been worse, an awful lot worse."**

Angeline nodded her head in approval, and Holly and a few others smiled.

**Holly beamed behind her visor. Perhaps she wouldn't be kicked out of Recon after all. **

N*1: You're rather fixated on that.

"**Thank you, sir."**

**Root grunted, his complexion returning to its normal ruddy hue. **

"**Now get out of here, and don't come back until you're full to the tips of your ears with magic!"**

Mulch: And now everything is back to normal.

**Holly sighed. So much for gratitude.**

Foaly: From Julius, that _was_ a lot of gratitude.

"**Yes, sir. On my way, sir." **

Holly: That's the end of the chapter.

Artemis: (giving his bodyguard a meaningful look) Butler, perhaps you should read next? (Artemis was pretty sure he knew what was coming next.)

Butler: (getting the hint) Yes, Artemis.

**End A/N: 52. This chapter is 52 PAGES LONG! Just shy of three times the length of the other chapters. So that and the long branch of time that I went without my book is the reason why this has taken me approx. five months to update. But I did. And I have my book back. This chapter is done. Now, on to other matters of important business to address. This is important, and I need all of your opinions on it!**

**I've had someone request that I bring in Artemis Senior. The reason he wasn't there in the first place is because I forgot about him, and because I only thought of the characters who already knew that the fairies existed. So I want your votes. Do you think I should bring him in, and if so, when? I won't really start writing the next chapter until I get satisfactory feedback on this, because if you guys want him in the next chapter, I need to know that, now don't I?**

**Next order of business. Updates probably will not be swift, because these chapters are really, really, really long. The comments just about doubles the length of them. So it will take some time. The relatively good news is that my first year of college will be ending in early June. True, I'll probably be a little lazy during summer, but at least I won't have classes and homework hanging over my head, yes? And like I've said, this story will not be abandoned. It won't. So stay tuned, hope you enjoyed this freakishly long monstrosity of a chapter, and let me know about Arty Senior, kay?**

**~Kiryn**


	5. Chapter 5: Abduction

**A/N: I don't want to deprive you, so the big author's notes will be down at the bottom. But so you know, Artemis Senior will not be making an appearance in this chapter, but more on him later. As always, review! Please? Even if I am an awful person for making you wait?**

**Disclaimer: I fail in many aspects of life. I fail at updating, and I fail at owning this series. Artemis Fowl is ever going to be the property of Eoin Colfer.**

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If Butler had been a lesser man, he would have winced when he glanced down at the title of the next chapter. The atmosphere had been lighthearted for the most part in reading this book, but now, he knew, they would be delving into darker waters, into issues and demons that he still thought they had not completely exorcised yet. And he thought for the first time that maybe this book would serve a purpose; perhaps it was here to free them once and for all from the past and let them move on with their lives. Maybe they could be afforded some peace at last.

All the same, he took a slightly steadying breath before he began to read, which Juliet, Foaly, Mulch, and Holly all took note of. And the four of them, knowing Butler as well as they did, interpreted this as a clue to what the next chapter would bring.

**Chapter 5: Abduction**

There was silence in the room as the word hung in the air, its meaning slowly sinking in.

Holly stiffened. She had known the moment was coming, and the event was years in the past, and for the most part she had gotten over it. Time had reconciled the monster she had thought Artemis was, and the Artemis she had gotten to know. But now, the old wound had been scraped raw again with the last adventure she and Artemis had taken…which, she now realized, was going to come to light eventually.

Artemis's shoulders were also tense. When he compared the two, going into the past to confront his younger self had been easier than this would be. He had been able to think of his ten-year-old self as a separate person. Reading this book, on the other hand, would confront him with things he had done that, if he was being truthful with himself, he just wanted to forget. It had been hard enough when he had recovered the memories and the guilt had hit him all over again. But now his mother would be finding out about the dark depths her son would sink to, had sunk to.

Foaly and Mulch were uncharacteristically quiet. For Foaly, this was the first of many times he had been subjected to the fear and pain of thinking that he had lost Holly, who was the closest thing he had to a best friend. And for both, this marked the beginning of the wild and crazy, life-threatening, world-saving adventures they would be dragged along on. But neither had thought of or revisited the dark beginning of it for so long.

Juliet was quiet also, but she had to admit to herself that she was partly looking forward to the later chapters. They would be reliving memories that Juliet was still having trouble believing as things that had really happened to her. It almost felt as if they were from another life. She hoped that by reading the book, she could claim them as hers again, and maybe be a little bit closer to the Juliet she had once been.

Minerva and N*1 felt something of a morbid curiosity, because both had heard vague references to how Artemis and Holly had met, and Minerva had been warned by Artemis to avoid his mistakes. But no one had ever really talked about it; it was a part of the darker past they all seemed to want to avoid and forget. And now it seemed as if this book was bringing them the answers; Minerva had an answer to one question already. She had wanted to know why Artemis and the others had avoided talking more in depth about it, why he wouldn't share and compare his experiences of this other race of beings with her. Now she knew: the answer was because the memories were painful, and, glancing at his mother, she could tell it was for more reasons than one.

Angeline was torn; she didn't know who she was more disappointed in: her son, her husband, or herself. Of course she was disappointed in her son Artemis; it seemed as if he was following in his father's worst footsteps. She was disappointed and angry with her husband for setting those footsteps. And she was angry with herself and there was a taste of guilt in her mouth. She wondered how horrible of a mother she must be, to let her son stray down that path, and guilt at knowing that it was because she wasn't strong enough that had pushed him down it, and had forced him to keep going. If she had been stronger, like she was supposed to…

Butler cleared his throat gently, causing everyone to look up at him.

Butler: Look…I am sure you are all aware that some of the things we will be reading from now on will be difficult to hear…but keep in mind that this _is_ in the past, and we have all changed since then.

There were nods from all around the room. Holly turned and, with only a little bit of effort, smiled at Artemis. Artemis blinked at her, trying to hide his surprise, and the tiny ray of hope he felt.

Holly: Obviously, this chapter will be the most difficult on me and you. But…we'll get through this. We always do.

Artemis smiled back at her, trying to hide his relief this time.

Artemis: As always, Captain.

There was quiet for another moment as they stared at the small yellow book encased in Butler's massive hands. It was broken by Mulch.

Mulch: Okay, I think we've had enough of the emotional, mushy, heart-to-heart nonsense for a while. Read on, elephant man.

Butler hid his smile as he complied.

**Artemis's main problem was one of location - how to locate a leprechaun. **

Minerva: Isn't it always?

**This was one sly bunch of fairies, **

Mulch: Why, thank you.

**hanging around for God knows how many millennia**

Angeline: If I may ask…how long _have_ all of you been around?

Foaly: Since before the dawn of your race. Let's leave it at that.

**and still not one photo, not one frame of video. **

Foaly: (scoffing) As if I would be so careless! Humans!

Mulch: But donkey, you already were careless. You let Arty boy here post that ad on the net, remember?

Foaly: (glaring at Mulch) Yes, but there's a world of difference between that and a picture. Now that I think about it, I'm not surprised I missed the advertisement that Artemis put up. You should see the weird things that humans believe are out there. The sensors probably just dismissed it, because they're wired to pick up more incriminating stuff than just '_leprechaun_' or '_sprite_'.

**Not even a Loch-Ness-type hoax. They weren't exactly a sociable group. **

Minerva: Is that true?

Holly: It is, and it isn't. Obviously, we're not very sociable with humans, and some of the Families, like the dwarves, tend to…stick together, I guess you could say.

Mulch: I think what Holly is trying to say is that us dwarves interact with the other Families, but we don't usually trust them.

N*1: (nodding) It's like that with most of the Families.

Mulch: It's odd, now that I think about it, that we're all friends in this group.

Foaly: (teasing) Is that your way of saying that you trust us, Mulch? I'm so flattered.

Mulch: Unless it's something to do with technology, I trust you as far as I can throw you. And I never said that. Why would I ever trust you lot, what with you guys always trying to throw me in prison?

Holly: (rolling her eyes) It's not our fault that you broke the law in the first place.

Mulch: (waving an idle hand) Details, details…

**And they were smart too. **

Foaly sniffed at that remark.

Juliet: Well, I don't know about Mulch…

Mulch: I'm plenty smart. Just because I don't shove it down your throats…

Holly: Oh, no, you just swallow people instead.

Minerva: …Please tell me I misunderstood that comment.

Foaly: Probably not. Mulch here actually does have a record of swallowing people—

Mulch: (indignantly) I always spit them back out! I never actually swallow them!

Foaly: (continuing as if he hadn't heard Mulch) Like your brother, for instance.

Minerva: You what?

Mulch: I only ever do what I have to do. I don't like violence, honest.

Minerva gave him a cold glare, and she would have said more if Butler hadn't chosen that moment to continue reading.

**No one had ever got his hands on fairy gold. **

Angeline: Is that true?

It was a struggle for her to ask this question and to behave normally when she was so dreading what awaited them in this chapter.

Foaly: Sure it was, until Arty-boy here came into the picture.

Artemis: (scowling slightly) Kindly cease referring to me by that name, if you please.

**But no one had ever had access to the Book either. And puzzles were so simple when you had the key.**

Foaly huffed at that. He could see the brilliance Artemis had used, but it didn't mean that he had to like it. The Book was sacred to fairies, and was something that just shouldn't be translated.

**Artemis had summoned the Butlers to his study, and spoke to them now from behind a mini-lectern.**

Juliet: You looked kind of funny doing that. I mean, you being so short then and all…

She merely laughed at the glare Artemis sent her.

"**There are certain rituals every fairy must complete to renew his magic," explained Artemis.**

Holly: (unable to stop herself) Or her magic.

**Butler and Juliet nodded, as though this were a normal briefing.**

Juliet: It kind of was. I never really understood anything you would say at the briefings, and this one was no different.

Butler rolled his eyes slightly at his sister for that comment. It was things like that which prevented her from being a good bodyguard. Juliet seemed to sense what he was thinking and glared at him.

**Artemis flicked through his hard copy of the Book and selected a passage.**

"_**From the earth thine power flows,**_

_**Given through courtesy, so thanks are owed.**_

_**Pluck thou the magick seed,**_

_**Where full moon, ancient oak and twisted water meet.**_

_**And bury it far from where it was found,**_

_**So return your gift into the ground**_**."**

Minerva: How fascinating. Is the whole book written like that…?

Foaly: Wouldn't you like to know.

Minerva started to turn to Artemis, but before she could say anything, Holly cut her off.

Holly: (sharply) No. Artemis will not be lending out a copy of that Book. It's sacred, and was never meant for human eyes to see. It's bad enough that Artemis has read it.

Minerva was too proud to show how crestfallen she was, and she didn't dare to press the issue further.

**Artemis closed the text. "Do you see?"**

Mulch: Nope. I bet they don't at all.

**Butler and Juliet kept nodding, while still looking thoroughly mystified.**

Most of the room laughed at that, while Juliet pouted.

**Artemis sighed. **

Juliet: (huffing) Hardly anyone can keep up with you, Artemis. Cut Butler and me some slack.

"**The leprechaun is bound by certain rituals. **

N*1: Isn't everyone?

Foaly: Technically, _leprechauns_ are bound more by laws and regulations than rituals…

**Very specific rituals, I might add. **

Mulch: What's the point of a ritual if it isn't specific?

Holly: Like you would know all about following rules.

**We can use them to track one down." **

Angeline sighed at this reminder of what her son was attempting to do. And he'd succeeded, by the sound of it. It just made her more nervous at what was to come.

**Juliet raised a hand, even though she herself was four years Artemis's senior.**

Juliet: (snorting) As if that ever mattered.

"**Yes?"**

"**Well, the thing is, Artemis," she said hesitantly, twisting a strand of blonde hair in a way that several of the local louts considered extremely attractive. **

Mulch: Really now. And what about you, Arty?

Artemis made a slight face before he could stop himself.

Artemis: Hardly.

Juliet: Ew. I agree with Arty. That'd be like dating my younger brother.

N*1: But he didn't really say that.

Juliet: (smirking a little) No, but that's what he meant.

Artemis tilted his head in mute agreement.

"**The bit about leprechauns."**

**Artemis frowned. It was a bad sign. "Your point, Juliet?"**

Mulch: (laughing) I think Stinker is doubting your sanity, Mudboy.

"**Well, leprechauns. You know they're not real, don't you?"**

**Butler winced. It was his fault really. He'd never got around to filling in his sister on the**

**mission parameters.**

Mulch: (smirking) I wonder why that was.

A few people were starting to snigger along with Mulch.

**Artemis scowled reprovingly at him.**

"**Butler hasn't already talked to you about this?"**

"**No. Was he supposed to?"**

Holly: (also laughing) Maybe just a little.

"**Yes, he certainly was. Perhaps he thought you'd laugh at him."**

Everyone was laughing outright now, even if it was just a chuckle for Artemis and a smile and shake of the head for Butler.

**Butler squirmed. That was exactly what he'd thought. Juliet was the only person alive who**

**laughed at him with embarrassing regularity. **

Juliet shrugged, adopting an innocent look on her face.

Juliet: It's not my fault you're easily embarrassed.

**Most other people did it once. Just once.**

N*1: (muttering to himself sarcastically) Well, gee, I wonder what happened to them?

**Artemis cleared his throat. "Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist and that I am not a gibbering moron."**

Mulch: I don't know, I don't think I could do that. I think you gibber quite a lot, myself.

Artemis: Thank you for such an inspiring insight, Mulch.

Mulch: I try.

**Butler nodded weakly. Juliet was unconvinced.**

Juliet: As if you of all people immediately believed that fairies existed.

Artemis: … Actually, if I were to tell the truth…I rather did. I didn't want to believe in the existence of creatures without evidence, but…somehow, a part of me always believed.

Holly raised her eyebrows at that, looking pensive, wondering if their recent foray into the past had had some kind of impact on the past Artemis. The Artemis sitting beside her caught her eye, and dipped his head into the tiniest of nods, indicating that he was thinking along similar lines.

"**Very well. Now, as I was saying, the People have to fulfil a specific ritual to renew their powers. According to my interpretation, they must pick a seed from an ancient oak tree by the bend in a river. And they must do this during the full moon."**

Angeline: (warily) Is he right?

The fairies sighed. Foaly was the one to answer.

Foaly: Yes.

Minerva: Why during the full moon?

N*1: All fairies come from the moon. At least, I know that demons do.

Holly: All of the People have an affinity with the moon. It doesn't hurt that we're also essentially night creatures. None of us care for sunlight.

**The light began to dawn in Butler's eyes. "So all we have to do ..."**

"**Is run a cross-reference through the weather satellites, which I already have. Believe it or not, there aren't that many ancient oaks left, if you take ancient to be a hundred years plus. **

Holly: (muttering darkly) Is it really so surprising?

Foaly: Yeah, you humans aren't the most conscientious bunch. Although Ireland is far from the worst.

**When you factor in the river bend and full moon, there are precisely one hundred and twenty-nine sites to be surveyed in this country."**

N*1: Er…that's still a lot of sites.

Holly: (sighing) You know Artemis. Once he gets onto a mission, nothing will stop him.

Everyone heard the faint tinge of bitterness at the end of that sentence, and the atmosphere tensed slightly. It was easy to forget that the book was now talking about the next stages of the plan that would lead to Holly's capture.

**Butler grinned. Stakeout. Now the Master was talking his language.**

Even Holly couldn't hide her smile at that. It had been in times like this that Butler had been most like Julius Root.

"**There are preparations to be made for our guest's arrival," **

Angeline grimaced at that choice of words. _Guest_…she had always hated it when her husband had used similar phrases, using innocent words to try to hide from her his true purposes. She couldn't help but hate at how much like his father her son was in this moment.

**said Artemis, handing a typewritten sheet of A4 to Juliet. "These alterations must be made to the cellar. See to it, Juliet. To the letter."**

Angeline: (bitterly) So that's why our cellar looked like a prison. I had wondered. And now I know it's because it _was_ turned into a prison.

Artemis couldn't help but cringe at his mother's tone. He had always known that his mother would never approve of his many ventures, which was why he had kept them from her in the first place. But he still hated the thought of upsetting his mother, that she was disappointed in him.

Holly had stiffened at the mention of that damn cellar, but upon seeing the half-hidden expression on Artemis's face, she quickly grabbed his hand and gave it a quick squeeze, to show her support of him. Artemis returned the pressure before letting go, the only sign of his gratefulness.

Angeline's expression had softened upon seeing her son's face, and she sighed, and smiled at him, to which he smiled back. No words were needed to be spoken.

"**Yes, Arty."**

**Artemis frowned, but only slightly. For reasons that he couldn't quite fathom, he didn't mind terribly when Juliet called him by the pet name his mother had for him.**

Juliet laughed a little at that. Butler smiled too.

Butler: It's probably because you also think of her like a sister.

Artemis nodded absently at that.

**Butler scratched his chin thoughtfully. Artemis noticed the gesture.**

"**Query?"**

"**Well, Artemis. The sprite in Ho Chi Minh City…"**

**Artemis nodded. "I know. Why didn't we simply abduct her?"**

Mulch: Because she isn't worth anything.

Holly glared at him a bit for that.

Mulch: (shrugging) Glare at me all you like, it's the truth.

"**Yes, sir."**

"**According to Chi Lun's Almanac of the People, a seventh-century manuscript recovered from the lost city of Sh'shamo: "Once a fairy has taken spirits with the Mud People" - that's us, by the way - "they are forever dead to their brothers and sisters." So there was no guarantee that that particular fairy was worth even an ounce of gold. No, my old friend, we need fresh blood. All clear?"**

Angeline: (frowning) That seems to be harsh.

Foaly: It was seen as treasonous. Drinking with Mud People leads to betrayal and spilling of secrets. You can't tell me that humans condone treason.

Angeline: Well, no…but it still seems wrong.

**Butler nodded.**

Mulch: And do you actually understand this time, or are you just nodding?

Butler: I understood. Or at least, I understood as much as I was meant to.

Holly: So not very much then.

"**Good. Now, there are several items you will need to procure for our moonlight jaunts."**

**Butler scanned the sheet: basic field equipment, a few eyebrow raisers, nothing too puzzling until ...**

"**Sunglasses? At night?"**

Holly closed her eyes at that. If there was one thing she had hated during her captivity, it was those cursed sunglasses.

**When Artemis smiled, as he did now, one almost expected vampire fangs to sprout from his ****gums. **

N*1: (bluntly) That's creepy.

Holly's face was in total agreement with that statement, for her memory had called up an image of the Artemis she had met, wearing those sunglasses and smiling that vampire smile. It was not her worst memory (that spot was taken by the memory of Julius's death, and when she thought she had also failed Artemis mere hours later), but even now it ranked up there.

Artemis: (whispering to her) I'm sorry.

Holly: (whispering back, with a grim smile) Don't apologize. There's too much in this book to apologize for. It's in the past, and that's all that matters.

Artemis: (sighing) I'll try, I suppose.

Holly: (teasing him a little) Not apologizing? That should be easy for you.

Artemis: Maybe if it were anybody else, Holly, but I just…I was cruel to you, Holly. There's no excuse for that. And you can scarcely imagine how tremendously guilty I feel for that.

Holly studied him for a few seconds, reading his honesty in his emotions for once.

Holly: You're right. There is no excuse. And while there may have been no excuse, at least there was a reason, Artemis, and even a reason I can accept as being legitimate. You didn't set this whole thing up to take our gold just because you could, you did it so you could try to save your father. I—I can't hate you for that, Artemis. Anyone would have.

Artemis bowed his head, though he smiled. Just a tiny one, but a smile nonetheless.

Artemis: Thank you, Captain, though I hardly am deserving of your compassion.

Holly just rolled her eyes and punched him lightly on the shoulder.

"**Yes, Butler. Sunglasses. Trust me." And Butler did. Implicitly.**

Minerva blinked, taken aback. She had known that Artemis and Butler were close, closer than someone normally was with their servant, but she had never really thought that he would trust Artemis _implicitly_, no questions asked. It was a rather overwhelming thought.

**Holly activated the thermal coil in her suit and climbed to 4,000 metres. **

Foaly: And we're back to Holly.

There was no amusement in his voice, for he knew where she was headed this night—straight into a trap. And this trap would change them forever—and not in a good way at first.

Minerva: And you are on your way to complete your Ritual, correct?

Mulch: (laughing) Yeah, because she waited _four years_ to do it.

Juliet: And I see you managed to get your Hummingbirds.

Holly: (muttering to herself) Small comfort.

**The Hummingbird wings were top of the range. The battery readout showed four red bars - more than enough for a quick jaunt through mainland Europe and across the British Isles. Of course, the regulations said always travel over water if possible, **

Foaly: (scoffing) Like anybody actually does that.

N*1: Why not?

Minerva and Angeline looked curious as to the answer as well.

Foaly: (shrugging) There's more to see over land, especially considering we live underground.

**but Holly could never resist knocking the snowcap from the highest alp on her way past.**

Everyone laughed.

Foaly: (still laughing) There's that also.

Mulch: I like Holly's reason much better than any of yours.

Holly: (smiling) That's because it's fun.

**The suit protected Holly from the worst of the elements, but she could still feel the chill**

**sinking into her bones. The moon seemed huge from this altitude, the craters on its surface**

**easily distinguishable. Tonight it was a perfect sphere. A magical full moon. Immigration**

**would have their hands full, as thousands of surface-sick fairies were drawn irresistibly**

**overground. A large percentage would make it, probably causing mayhem in their revelry.**

**The earth's mantle was riddled with illegal tunnels and it was impossible to police them all.**

Mulch snorted in something like derision at that, and Foaly shuddered in horror.

Foaly: Can you imagine if they tried to make us?

**Holly followed the Italian coast up to Monaco and from there across the Alps to France. She loved flying, all fairies did. **

Mulch: That's a lie. _I_ don't like flying. No dwarf does.

**According to the Book, they had once been equipped with wings of their own, but evolution had stripped them of this power. All but the sprites. **

Holly: (pouting a little) Totally unfair.

Mulch: Well, look at it this way Holly. It's not like the sprites can boast about anything else. Heavens know they weren't gifted with intelligence.

Holly: (smiling) Thanks, Mulch, that actually does make me feel better.

**One school of thought believed that the People were descended from airborne dinosaurs. Possibly pterodactyls. Much of the upper-body skeletal structure was the same. This theory would certainly explain the tiny nub of bone on each shoulder blade.**

Artemis: Now that is interesting.

**Holly toyed with the idea of visiting Disneyland Paris. **

Foaly: No, Holly, that's a bad idea. Julius would kill you if you went through with that.

Holly: (glaring at him) I know that, which is obviously why I didn't go through with it.

**The LEP had several undercover operatives stationed there, most of them working in the Snow White exhibit. **

Minerva: (shocked) Really?

Butler: I take it you've been there.

Minerva: (scowling slightly) Of course—how could I have avoided it?

Mulch: You do know that it's okay to have fun, even if you're a super genius, right? And it's Disneyland for heaven's sake. Who doesn't have fun there?

Minerva: Whatever. But I never would have imagined…

Holly: (smiling) It's all a part of the magic.

**It was one of the few places on earth that the People could pass unnoticed. But if some tourist got a photo of her and it ended up on the Internet, Root would have her badge for sure. **

Foaly: That's what I said.

**With a sigh of regret, she passed over the shower of multicoloured fireworks below.**

Mulch shivered slightly at the thought of fire being so close to him.

**Once over the Channel, Holly flew low, skipping over the white-crested waves. She called out to the dolphins **

Minerva: … Called out to the dolphins?

Holly: Fairies have the gift of tongues. I can speak any language, including the animal ones.

Mulch: It's quite nifty when you're breaking into buildings with guard dogs.

Juliet: That's really cool.

**and they rose to the surface, leaping from the water to match her pace. She could see the pollution in them, bleaching their skin white and causing red sores on their backs. And although she smiled, her heart was breaking. Mud People had a lot to answer for.**

Angeline nodded in agreement with that.

Angeline: Yes…some people do.

**Finally the coast loomed ahead of her. The old country. Eiriu, the land where time began. **

Mulch: I sense that it's about to be story time.

N*1: Mulch, it's already been story time for awhile.

**The most magical place on the planet. It was here, 10,000 years ago, that the ancient fairy race, the De Danann, had battled against the demon Fomorians, carving the famous Giant's Causeway with the strength of their magical blasts. It was here that the Lia Fáil stood, the rock at the centre of the universe, where the fairy kings and later the human Ard Rí were crowned. **

Minerva: This is all quite fascinating. I had heard of the legends before, but I never dreamed that such a tale was real.

Foaly: (laughing) That's the funny thing about humans. You can shove magic in their faces like this, and most of them would never know.

**And it was also here, unfortunately, that the Mud People were most in tune with magic, which resulted in a far higher People-sighting rate than you got anywhere else on the planet.**

Angeline: Really?

Foaly: Uh-huh.

Mulch: (musing) So is it lucky or unlucky that Arty is Irish?

**Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish**

**themselves did nothing to debunk. **

Foaly: If the Irish I've met are anything to go by, then a truer statement has never been said.

**They had somehow got it into their heads that each fairy lugged around a pot of gold with them wherever they went. **

Mulch: (sighing) I wish.

**While it was true that LEP had a ransom fund, because of its officers' high-risk occupation,**

Butler: Most law enforcements do, along with the military.

**no human had ever taken a chunk of it yet. This didn't stop the Irish population in general from skulking around rainbows, hoping to win the supernatural lottery.**

Minerva: Is there any factual basis to that?

Artemis: Gold at the end of the rainbow? Not that I've seen.

Holly: I think that whole myth just started as a coincidence, or something. A human could have seen a fairy with gold one day, and when the human stopped to wonder if there were any special circumstances to the event, decided that it had to have been because of a rainbow or something.

**But in spite of all that, if there was one race the People felt an affinity for it was the Irish.**

Angeline: Is that true?

Mulch: Sure it is. I know that whenever I've masqueraded as a human, I've always pretended to be Irish.

**Perhaps it was their eccentricity, perhaps their dedication to the craic, as they called it. And if the People were actually related to humans, as another theory had it, odds on it was the Emerald Isle where it started.**

**Holly punched up a map on her wrist locator and set it to sweep for magical hotspots. The**

**best site would obviously be Tara, near the Lia Fáil, **

Foaly: Yeah, and also the spot where every crazy hippie fairy is going to be. Then again, maybe there would have been safety in numbers…

Everyone sighed at that.

Mulch: (musing) I wonder…what would you have done, Arty, if you had shown up at a place like Tara, with so _many_ fairies around? Would you have tried to kidnap one of them?

Artemis: Hardly. There would have been no chance for such a stealth operation to have succeeded.

**but on a night like tonight, every traditionalist fairy with an overground pass would be dancing around the holy scene, so best to give it a miss.**

Foaly: (sighing) Sometimes, Holly, I wish you weren't so pragmatic.

**There was a secondary site not far from here, just off the south-east coast. Easy access from**

**the air, but remote and desolate for land-bound humans. Holly reined in the throttle and**

**descended to eighty metres. She skipped over a bristling evergreen forest, emerging in a**

**moonlit meadow. A silver thread of river bisected the field and there, nestling in the fold of a meander loop, was the proud oak.**

Angeline: (sadly) It sounds beautiful.

Minerva: Have…have you ever used this site again?

Holly: Yes, actually.

She remembered that she had gone back to that site right after Artemis had been mind-wiped. She supposed that she had gone back to that place to make peace with everything that had happened. Not that her life had remained peaceful for long. But she had been happy, and surprised to discover that the place had inspired more of a sense of nostalgia, nothing more.

**Holly checked her locator for life forms. Once she judged the cow two fields over not to be a threat, she cut her engines and glided to the foot of the mighty tree.**

Mulch: (innocently) You were disguised as a cow, Arty?

Juliet: (chuckling a little) That would have been some disguise.

**Four months of stakeout. **

Mulch: You really are quite devoted to the cause, aren't you, Artemis?

Foaly: (rolling his eyes) It's not like the full moon is full every night, Mulch.

Minerva: Does it _have_ to be a full moon in order for this ritual to work?

Holly: Well, no, but it works the _best_ if there's a full moon.

**Even Butler, the consummate professional, was beginning to dread the long nights of damp and insect bites. Thankfully, the moon was not full every night.**

Mulch: Yes, we've just established that, Elephant Man. You don't need to repeat it.

Butler: (giving Mulch a level stare) It's in the book, Mulch. Therefore, I shall read it.

Mulch: (slightly unnerved) Er…right. Whatever. Just stop staring at me like that.

N*1: It is creepy, isn't it? It always makes me think that he's about to—

Mulch: (cutting across him) Aaaannd we don't need the details. Carry on.

**It was always the same. They would crouch in their foil-lined hide in complete silence, Butler repeatedly checking his equipment, while Artemis stared unblinking through the eye of the scope. **

N*1: Is that even physically possible? To stare through a lens all night without blinking?

Foaly: I think the author just said that for dramatic effect. Even Artemis here is not that big of a freak of nature.

Artemis: You inspire me, Foaly. You truly do.

**At times like these, nature seemed deafening in their confined space. Butler longed to whistle, to make conversation, anything to break the unnatural silence. **

Juliet: (sharply) Uh-huh. Those are all of the things that you say makes me a bad bodyguard.

Butler: Yes, they are, Juliet. But while I may have the impulse, I don't go through with it.

Juliet: Whatever.

**But Artemis's concentration was absolute. He would brook no interference or lapse of focus. This was business.**

Angeline sighed at that. Her son was only twelve years old in this book. He shouldn't have to be like this. It was often that Angeline wished that she could go back and make it so that her son could have enjoyed his childhood. Just once, she wished that he would act his age.

**Tonight they were in the south-east. The most inaccessible site yet. Butler had been forced to make three trips to the jeep in order to hump the equipment across a stile, a bog and two**

**fields. **

Minerva: That is quite the remote location.

Foaly: What, you thought we'd make it easy on you?

Mulch: If you want to play in the big leagues and become the first inter-species thief and kidnapper, then you've got to go the extra mile.

**His boots and trousers were ruined. And now he would have to sit in the hide with**

**ditchwater soaking into the seat of his trousers. Artemis had somehow contrived to remain ****spotless.**

Mulch: He's tricky like that. Or freaky. One of the two.

N*1: How did you do that?

Artemis: (in a deadpan voice) Magic.

Inexplicably he thought of Armani suit that he had ruined by trekking it across the Arctic Circle, and then through underground labyrinths.

**The hide was ingenious in design and interest had already been expressed in the**

**manufacturing rights mostly by military representatives - but Artemis had resolved to sell the patent to a sporting-goods multinational. It was constructed of an elasticated foil polymer on a multi-hinged fibreglass skeleton. The foil, similar to that used by NASA, trapped the heat inside the structure while preventing the camouflaged outside surface from overheating. This ensured that any animals sensitive to heat would be unaware of its presence. The hinges meant that the hide would move almost like a liquid, filling whatever depression it was dropped into. Instant shelter and vantage point. You simply placed the Velcroed bag in a hole and pulled the string.**

Foaly: That explains a lot. And I must say, I agree that it is impressive…for a human invention.

Artemis: (hiding a smile) Of course, Foaly. I would never presume to think that any invention of mine could outstrip one of yours.

Minerva: (with a hint of jealousy) Indeed.

**But all the cleverness in the world couldn't improve the atmosphere. **

Foaly: No…it really doesn't.

If anyone had looked, they would have seen the agreement written on Artemis and Minerva's faces.

**Something was troubling** **Artemis. It was plain in the web of premature lines that spread from the corners of his deep blue** **eyes.**

Angeline sighed again at the reminder of her son's too vast maturity.

**After several nights of fruitless surveillance, Butler plucked up enough courage to ask ...**

Mulch: _You_ had to pluck up courage? The mighty Butler?

Butler: (softly) I am human, Mulch. I'm just like everyone else, really.

"**Artemis," he began hesitantly, "I realize it's not my place, **

Holly: (quietly) Actually, I think it's more your place than anyone else's, Butler. You…

Angeline: (hollowly) You were always there for him.

**but I know there's something wrong. And if there's anything I can do to help ..."**

**Artemis didn't speak for several moments. And for those few moments, Butler saw the face of a young boy. The boy Artemis might have been.**

Angeline's eyes filled with tears. How she would have liked to have seen that…

"**It's my mother, Butler," he said at last. "I'm beginning to wonder if she'll ever –"**

The tears overflowed and trickled down her cheeks at those heartbreaking words from her son.

**Then the proximity alarm flashed red.**

Everyone tensed at those words. It was time.

**Holly hooked the wings over a low branch, unstrapping the helmet to give her ears some air. You had to be careful with elfin ears - a few hours in the helmet and they started to flake. **

Juliet: Really? I'd never noticed.

She had determined to continue commenting, for she knew that she wasn't going to be one of the ones that would be hit the hardest by the next part.

Foaly: That's because you only really know Holly. She takes care of her appearance.

**She gave the tips a massage. No dry skin there. That was because she had a daily moisturizing regime, not like some of the male LEP officers. **

Foaly: (smiling slightly) See?

**When they took off their helmets, you'd swear it had just started to snow.**

Mulch couldn't help but snort at that.

**Holly paused for a minute to admire the view. Ireland certainly was picturesque. Even the**

**Mud People hadn't been able to destroy that. Not yet anyway ... Give them another century or two. The river was folding gently before her like a silver snake, hissing as the water tumbled across a stony bed. The oak tree crackled overhead, its branches rasping together in the bracing breeze.**

**Now, to work. She could do the tourist thing all night once her business was complete. **

Several people cringed at that statement. Surprisingly, Holly hadn't been one of them. She had taken Artemis's hand firmly in hers, because while she knew that it would be hard for her to hear, it would be even harder for him. Guilt was funny, that way.

**A seed. She needed a seed. Holly bent to the ground, brushing the dried leaves and twigs from the clay's surface. Her fingers closed around a smooth acorn. That wasn't hard now, was it? she thought. All that remained for her to do was plant it somewhere else and her powers would come rushing back.**

Minerva: (blinking) That's it?

Foaly: Yep. Nothing to it, really.

_Or there shouldn't have been_, thought Artemis.

**Butler checked the porta-radar, muting the volume in case the equipment betrayed their**

**position. The red arm swept the screen with agonizing lethargy, and then ... Flash! An upright figure by the tree. Too small for an adult, the wrong proportions for a child. He gave Artemis the thumbs-up. Possible match.**

Mulch: (trying for levity) Imagine if it had been a child, though. You'd have scared the daylights out of it.

Juliet: Why would a child be all the way out there at this time of night? For that matter, how would it have gotten there?

N*1: Besides, it's nighttime, Mulch. You can't scare the daylights out of someone if it's nighttime.

**Artemis nodded, strapping the mirrored sunglasses across his brow. **

Composed as she was, Holly couldn't help but glare at the mention of the sunglasses. She really hated those things.

**Butler followed his lead, popping the cap on his weapon's starlight scope. This was no ordinary dart rifle. It had been specially tooled for a Kenyan ivory hunter and had the range and rapid-fire capacity of a Kalashnikov. **

Holly: (muttering) Glad to know that I got such special treatment.

Butler gave her a slightly sheepish look, while N*1 looked at her with empathy. More than anyone else, he could definitely relate to what was about to happen to her.

**Butler had picked it up for a song from a government official after the ivory poacher's execution.**

Foaly: Exactly how many contacts do you have?

Butler: A few.

**They crept into the night with practiced silence. The diminutive figure before them unhooked a contraption from around its shoulders and lifted a full-face helmet from a definitely nonhuman head. Butler wrapped the rifle strap twice around his wrist, pulling the stock into his shoulder. He activated the scope and a red dot appeared in the centre of the figure's back. **

Mulch was surprised at how hard it was for him to hear this part. It was just so strange, seeing Holly in a situation where she was helpless, and clueless to the fact that she was in danger.

**Artemis nodded and his manservant squeezed the trigger.**

N*1, Artemis, Butler, Angeline, Foaly, and Mulch all winced at that.

**In spite of a million to one odds, it was at that precise moment that the figure bent low to the earth.**

Juliet whistled slightly at that.

Mulch: I guess that was your last stroke of good luck for the night.

**Something whizzed over Holly's head, something that glinted in the starlight. Holly had**

**enough on-the-job experience to realize that she was under fire, and immediately curled her elfin frame into a ball, minimizing the target.**

Butler: Yes, I'd noticed that, and I'd wondered…

Mulch sighed a bit. Well, at least she had realized that she was in danger…and he supposed this would be easier to read than if she had just been shot in the back, with no chance to defend herself.

Foaly: (muttering) Too bad you didn't manage to bury the acorn, Holly.

**She drew her pistol, rolling towards the shelter of the tree trunk. Her brain scrambled for**

**possibilities. Who could be shooting at her and why?**

**Something was waiting beside the tree. Something roughly the size of a mountain, but**

**considerably more mobile.**

"**Nice pea-shooter," grinned the figure, **

Foaly looked very indignant at the slight against his precious technology, and he muttered slightly to himself.

**smothering Holly's gun hand in a turnip-sized fist.**

**Holly managed to extricate her fingers a nanosecond before they snapped like brittle**

**spaghetti.**

Butler: I…I'm sorry, Holly.

Holly: Don't. Just—no one apologize, okay? It's already happened. And there's nothing we can do to change it. So just—just don't.

"**I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?" said a cold voice behind her.**

Angeline shuddered at that—that her little boy was so cold.

**Holly turned, elbows raised for combat.**

"**No," sighed the boy melodramatically. "I suppose not."**

**Holly put on her best brave face.**

Foaly smiled sadly, though he wasn't the only one. That was typical Holly, for you. You could always count on her to be brave to the end.

"**Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with."**

Artemis: (quietly, and speaking more to himself than the others) No. I really didn't.

**The boy laughed. "I believe, fairy, that you are the one unfamiliar with the facts."**

**Fairy? He knew she was a fairy.**

"**I have magic mud-worm. Enough to turn you and your gorilla into pig droppings."**

**The boy took a step closer. "Brave words, miss. But lies nonetheless. If, as you say, you had**

**magic, you would have no doubt used it by now. No, I suspect that you have gone too long**

**without the Ritual and you are here to replenish your powers."**

Mulch: (weakly) Just a bit too long.

**Holly was dumbfounded. There was a human before her, casually spouting sacred secrets.**

Foaly huffed slightly at that, glad that someone was agreeing with him, that those secrets _were_ sacred.

**This was disastrous. Catastrophic. It could mean the end of generations of peace. If the**

**humans were aware of a fairy subculture, it was only a matter of time before the two species went to war. She must do something, and there was only one weapon left in her arsenal.**

Mulch: Everything always does fall onto your shoulders, huh Holly?

Minerva: (quietly) What weapon does she have left?

Foaly: The _mesmer_. You'll see.

**The mesmer is the lowest form of magic and requires only a trickle of power. There are even certain humans with a bent for the talent. It is within the ability of even the most drained fairy to put a complete mind kibosh on any human alive.**

N*1: (curiously) Could Mulch do it, then? I mean, he still has the magic necessary for the gift of tongues.

Mulch: No, I can't.

**Holly summoned the final dribble of magic from the base of her skull.**

Minerva: (confused) Your skull?

Foaly: Magic is in the mind.

"**Human," she intoned, her voice suddenly resonating with bass tones, "your will is mine."**

**Artemis smiled, safe behind his mirrored lenses. **

"Oh," said several people softly. Now they knew what was up with the sunglasses.

"**I doubt it," he said, and nodded curtly.**

Angeline cringed again. She didn't like hearing about this side of her son.

**Holly felt the dart puncture the suit's toughened material, depositing its load of curare and**

**succinylcholine chloride-based tranquillizer into her shoulder. The world instantly dissolved into a series of technicoloured bubbles and, try as she might, Holly couldn't seem to hold on to more than one thought. And that thought was: how did they know? It spiralled around her head as she sank into unconsciousness. How did they know? How did they know? How did they ...**

N*1 winced in remembered sympathy.

**Artemis saw the pain in the creature's eyes as the hollow hypodermic plunged into her body. And for a moment he experienced misgivings. **

Foaly: You did?

Artemis didn't respond.

**A female. **

Holly rolled her eyes slightly at that, and punched Artemis on the shoulder.

Holly: Not you too.

Minerva looked slightly annoyed at that too.

Minerva: Why does no one ever expect there to be females?

Juliet: He's a boy. Boys are stupid like that.

**He hadn't expected that. A female, like Juliet, or Mother. **

Angeline: (sighing) Well, at least the thought of me made you hesitate.

**Then the moment passed and he was himself again.**

Angeline almost snorted bitterly at that. Himself. She hoped that wasn't who he really was.

"**Good shooting," he said, bending to study their prisoner. **

Juliet: It's Butler. Did you really doubt him?

**Definitely a girl. Pretty too. In a pointy sort of way.**

Mulch started sniggering at that, and Holly glared at Artemis before punching him again, trying to cover up her embarrassment at this thought.

"**Sir?"**

"**Hmm?"**

**Butler was pointing to the creature's helmet. It was half-buried in a drift of leaves where the fairy had dropped it. A buzzing noise was coming from the crown.**

**Artemis picked up the contraption by the straps, searching for the source.**

"**Ah, here we are." He plucked the viewcam from its slot, careful to point the lens away from him. "Fairy technology. Most impressive," he muttered, **

Foaly: (he couldn't stop himself from responding) Thank you.

**popping the battery from its groove. The camera whined and died. **

And then Foaly glared at Artemis for that. He had been so worried, and scared, for his friend…

"**Nuclear power source, if I'm not mistaken. We must be careful not to underestimate our opponents."**

Mulch: And yet, you still did. Funny, that.

Artemis: I think everyone underestimates you, Mulch.

Juliet: So basically, you're like our secret weapon.

**Butler nodded, sliding their captive into an oversized duffel bag. Something else to be lugged across two fields, a bog and a stile.**

Holly couldn't help but laugh a little at that.

Holly: Sorry, big man.

Butler: That's the end of the chapter.

Minerva: I wish to read next.

* * *

**End A/N: Okay. What to say, what to say…oh yeah. First of all, you should know that Artemis Senior will not be making any appearance in this story, though there's a chance he might appear in the sequel. But that will kind of depend on how lazy I feel.**

**In other news…yeah. I suck. I fail. I don't deserve all of you. But you are all truly wonderful for sticking with it, and I can only hope that this chapter doesn't suck and made the wait a bit worthwhile. Seriously, I meant to update forever ago, but RL shit has a horrible habit of piling on top of me. I mean, I barely had time to sleep last month, and as it is, I'm sacrificing the time I should be spending on homework to bring this update to you, because I figured that you guys deserved to have your loyalty rewarded. But even if it takes me the next ten years, I won't abandon this, got it memorized? **

**People have asked me a lot in reviews when I'll be updating. I can't promise you guys anything in stone, but if you go over to my profile, you'd find that at the top of it is a section where I post updates on my stories. Including this one, funnily enough. General updates on my personal status can be found under the heading "Story Updates", which is followed by the date on which I last posted. RAF's own section is under the heading "In the Current Works, The Chaptered Corner". So if you're wondering where that next chapter is, head over there, for it tells all! Well, not really, but you get the message. Anyway, as far as chapter 6, "Missing in Action" goes…well, I don't think you'll be surprised to learn that I haven't started it yet. Why? Well, I want to update ISH, first of all, and finish and post a oneshot that is the companion to a story I already have posted. And can I announce that I have a new story baby? Yes, I do. And it is quite demanding. If you're a Kingdom Hearts fan, be on the lookout for it. It's working title is "An Enchanted Moment". So, my attention will be elsewhere for a little while, but I can promise to devote a bit of time to RAF here and there between the others. And once things have calmed down a bit for me, then I'll really devote my time to rewarding you guys.**

**Edit: Oops, I knew that I had forgotten to say something. As of now, I have NOT read the Atlantis Complex. So DO NOT SPOIL IT FOR ME! Please and thank you. No, none of those events will be referenced here, and they will most likely not be reading it, because I'm writing based off of their TTP selves. So sorry, folks. I told you-I barely slept last month. I most definitely didn't have time to read. Sad day. And thank you Chaos 'shade' Shadow, for making me realize that I had forgotten this announcement. My bad. **

**And really, thank you for any continued love and support. I appreciate it more than you could ever imagine. **


	6. IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE

**If you're reading this, and your name is ****freefall-gypsy****, a part of this note is specifically addressed to you, towards the bottom. **

Okay, so let's address the elephant in the room first: No, this isn't a real update. It is exactly what it says on the tin, and is a dreaded Author's Note.

Yes, I'm a terrible person. And yeah, I suppose I deserve it if you all want to hunt me down en masse and beat me over the head or something. I would, however, request that you wait until Monday, because I've got a birthday gift to deliver to my nephew, and you all wouldn't be so heartless as to ruin a seven-year-old's birthday, now would you?

Ahem. Onto the whole purpose behind this exceedingly lengthy A/N, which I hope that you bear with me on, because I truly wouldn't be posting this if it wasn't important.

I originally intended to wait until after I'd posted the next chapter to post this note, so that way you could at least be pacified with something before I…shared some news in regards to this story. But something has come up, which I shall address in due course, and bumped up my agenda. So you just get the note. Sorry about that.

Now then. As those who have stuck with me from the Very Beginning will especially know, but with this story…let's just say that I am appalling slow in updating this story. Like, extremely bad. Sometimes it hasn't been my fault, like the occasion in which a friend of mine, you know, borrowed the book that I was commenting on, but for whatever reason, come this fall, I started the story three years ago. And I'm only on chapter 6. Now, there's not many chapters left in the first Artemis Fowl book, about five or so, but they're LONG. REALLY LONG CHAPTERS, YOU GUYS. Remember "Holly", which turned out to be over fifty pages?

Anyway. Before I continue and come to my point, I should tell that since I last updated, I have read "The Atlantis Complex". I might have mentioned this, but in case if I didn't, I never had any intention of commenting on any book after 6. The RAF characters were written based off of their "Time Paradox" selves, and they simply don't fit at all with TAC.

This leads into my next point. Even if I only did 6 of the books, at the rate I'm going, do you people have any idea how long this project would take me? There are a total of over 80 chapters in just those 6 books alone, and if you figure my rate of a couple per _year_…I don't even want to do the calculations in my head. But I wouldn't be finished until way after my _thirties_. And I'm only turning 20 this July.

I know what you're going to say. I could just spend more time on RAF. People like jlmill9 somehow (and this feat boggles my mind) managed to finish all 7 Harry Potter books, which are infinitely longer than Artemis Fowl. I know that. But the thing is, if I could, I would have _already_ been doing so. The simple fact is that I just can't. I don't have the time to do it. I'm in college, I've got classes and studying, and eventually I hope to maybe go to graduate school, and, you know, _focus on my own original writing_. I don't want to leave the world of fanfiction by any means—far from it. I have other stories that I want to write here too, AEM and ISH being just the tip of heap. And I am _**not**_ saying that RAF, this story, is abandoned. No, it isn't, and it never will be.

I will finish the first book. I explicitly made you guys that promise, and I will keep it. And no offense, but I just couldn't bear giving this story up for adoption. **I** started it, so **I** am going to finish it. But I am now only going to do just this first book. I simply just cannot have this series hanging around me like that for a good portion of my life. Well, I suppose I could, but I won't, because it's also not at all fair to you guys. I mean really. Do you guys really want to support this story and wait for updates for 10+ more years? I don't think so.

So, this segues nicely into my next point: I'm going to be overhauling RAF. Now don't panic; I just mean I'm going to go back and improve it.

I first started writing this story out of a desire to procrastinate on my homework, and frustration because there wasn't anything like it in the AF fandom. At first, as you could probably tell, it didn't really have a plot at all: there was basically only an excuse to get the characters together to read. I still honestly can't look back on the first chapter/prologue without cringing a bit on the inside. Minerva just got a mysterious package of books—I left this plot hole open in case if I thought of something later. And now I'm kind of glad that I did.

* * *

**SPOILERS BELOW FOR THE ATLANTIS COMPLEX. NOTHING ABOUT THE PLOT, JUST THE NATURE OF THE 'ATLANTIS COMPLEX'. BUT I STILL THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW. I'LL DO THIS BOLD THING AGAIN WHEN THE SPOILER-DANGER HAS PASSED.**

In TAC, Artemis has this disease, which manifested because he was so guilty about his past actions. So I'm going to take this, and use RAF as an _alternative_, so to speak, of TAC. In other words, instead of letting Artemis internalize all of his guilt, most of which is because of what he did to Holly, by reading his own book, and forcing him to confront this, he will exercise his demons before it all has the chance to manifest into the Atlantis Complex.

**SPOILER TIME IS OVER. YOU CAN ALL CONTINUE READING/COME OUT OF HIDING, WHATEVER.**

* * *

So, in light of RAF suddenly having an actual plot, I'm going to be rewriting the prologue. While I'm at it, I'm also going to convert the rest of the chapters out of 'script' format. I'll be sitting down to do this revising in June, after my finals are done, and so I hope to have it all done, and perhaps ch 6 (finally), sometime in July. And then we'll proceed like normal with me failing at updating, until we finish this sucker off. Sound fair enough to everyone? Well, I'm not quite done yet. I have…two more Things to talk about with all of you guys. Well, actually, _one_ Thing is addressed to you guys, and the other Thing is addressed to a specific person (more on this in a little bit).

To talk about the first Thing, I'm going to take this message directly from my profile. I put it up some time ago, but I have no idea how often, if at all, you people actually check my profile, so this is in case you missed it. And it's kind of important to me, so please, _please_ read it.

* * *

**IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING KIRYN'S STORIES/CONTACTING KIRYN:**

YOU GUYS. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

Okay. So apparently some things need to be straightened out between myself and my readers. And no, I am NOT mad or upset at you guys. Really, I'm not mad or anything. The above CAPS and bold is mostly shock. Because I had _no idea_ that this was happening or going on.

So, obviously, I am always thrilled when you guys like my stories, or think they're entertaining, what have you. Truly, it warms my heart. I love getting emails telling me that you guys are favoriting a story, alerting, whatever.

BUT I HAD _NO FUCKING IDEA_ THAT PEOPLE WERE ADDING ANY OF MY STORIES TO COMMUNITIES. _**COMPLETELY, TOTALLY UNAWARE THAT SUCH A PHENOMENON WAS OCCURING.**_

People, I really had no idea. I mean...I was under the, apparently silly, impression that ffnet would send me a notification email, should someone have chosen to archive my work. And obviously, I've never received such an email, so I never thought about it, or thought that someone had indeed put my stories into a community. So imagine my surprise, when I looked over my Story Stats and saw that people had added my work to their community.

My dear readers. I'm not angry, or anything like that. I'm not saying that you guys can't add my stories to your communities, or that the people who have already done so need to remove them. That's not the issue here. In fact, I'm honored if you guys feel my stuff is worthy of being archived. All I'm asking here, is for you guys to _tell me_ that you want to archive my story. Which, by the way, is not the same thing as asking for permission. Obviously, you guys can archive and favorite and such all you want, you don't need my permission to do that, and you'd probably do it anyway, regardless of what I said. It's not that I want you guys to ask my permission. If you want to add any of my stories to your community, all I want is for you to tell me that you're going to do so. Because otherwise, I probably wouldn't even be aware of it, and then get blindsided like now.

Three of my stories have been listed as archived in a community: _De Inferno Praegnani, I'm Still Here, _and _Reading Artemis Fowl_. I will let "Inferno" slide, because it's archived in a community for the contest that it was written for. This makes sense, like, duh, Kiryn, you idiot. And if any other of my challenge or contest fics are archived in this manner, then fine, though I would still like to hear about it. But ISH and RAF, you guys? Yeah, totally not challenge or contest submissions at all. People who have archived these ones did so and chose them simply because they enjoyed reading them. Which is totally cool. But now that I'm aware that people do want to archive my stuff, all I want is for you guys to tell me that you're going to do it.

And I have to admit, that yeah, I'm a little hurt that the people who did this didn't tell me, but I'm hurt more because to me, this makes it seem like you guys are afraid to talk to me, or find me unapproachable in some way. And that makes me sad. **BECAUSE I LOVE TALKING TO YOU GUYS, I REALLY, TRULY DO.** I love talking to my readers, either of my stories or my profile or whatever, and I don't want you guys to feel like you can't talk to me. You don't even have to agree with me or my opinions: if you're a Roxas/Namine supporter that takes offense to what I say against the pairing in my profile, and feel like arguing the point, then PM me and do so! If you don't like the way I portray a character in one of my fics, leave me a review or send me a PM. If you want to ask a question, bug me about updating RAF, unload about how your life is shit at the moment, or even fucking flame me, then _PLEASE DO SO._ Hell, you can even commission something from me if you want. I'm not so arrogant as to assume that people live off of my stories, but if a commission is what you want, if a story I have listed in the works seems interesting to you and it seems like that story is never going to see the light of day, then _TALK TO ME ABOUT IT_. Really, whatever it is you have to say, I want to hear it. I love you guys, you all make me so happy with your support of my stories, and I love meeting and getting to know all of you. I read the profiles of everyone who has ever reviewed, favorited, or alerted one of my stories, and those of whoever has PMed me, or posted after me in a forum discussion. Even random profiles. I've read it all multiple times. So please, don't ever feel like whatever it is you have to say to me won't interest me. Don't think that I would be annoyed if you contacted me, or wanted to talk to me. I'm here on this site becuase I want to connect with fellow writers, and with fellow fans of the things that I love. If I didn't want you guys to talk to me, I wouldn't be here. Simple as that.

So, to the people (except for Qoheleth) who archived one of my stories without telling me: I'm not mad, and you don't need to ask for forgiveness, because there's nothing to forgive. I just want to know why you didn't tell me that you were going to add my fic to your community. Am I intimidating? Do I come across as a bitch to you? Did the thought simply not cross your mind? Tell me, please? Or if anyone else would like to venture an opinion about this phenomenon, please do so. Remember: I want you guys to talk to me!

In short, let's try to keep open channels of communication, shall we?

* * *

Phew. Okay, we're almost done, I swear. In the home stretch guys. First off, you should all know that ffnet, for some strange, unfathomable reason, isn't letting my reply to reviews on any of my stories. This is frustrating to me, and I have no idea what the fuck is up with that, but there it is. This is why the Other Thing is addressed to a specific person, who has just recently left me a review, and I sincerely hope she is still reading up to this point.

I am now speaking directly to: **FREEFALL-GYPSY**.

Hi there! Thank you for taking time to review, and for favoring and alerting and everything. I would have replied the normal way, but that isn't working, and when I visited your profile in an attempt to send you a PM instead, there was no 'Send Message' option at the top of your screen. So, I see no other choice other than to put this here, where I was reasonably certain you'd be able to see it.

That's great that you're writing your own 'Characters Read' story. I wish you the best of luck, and I tip my proverbial hat to you if you manage to succeed, especially as I, as already made apparent, fail. It's actually a lot harder to write this kind of story than I ever gave it credit for, and let me tell you, I have infinite respect for people who have 'finished', so to speak.

Yes, I know that it can be challenging to find an 'original' 'Characters Read' story, and if I had the ability, I know that there are a whole score of books I would like to see done; namely, things like Tamora's Pierce's Tortall series…perhaps have Alanna's daughter Aly read the Song of the Lioness Quartet or something. And I've only seen one CR story in the Mediator section. The most insane one of all that I thought about momentarily was the Wheel of Time series…but there is a most definite reason why no one will probably ever attempt _that_.

I would be absolutely more than happy to help you come up with titles for your fics, and especially if you mean a Harry Potter Characters Read story. You see, in my more…idealistic/delusional moments, I've actually thought out a whole series of reading the HP books, complete with titles. I had sadly thought that they would just sit and gather dust on my computer though, because if I can't finish the Artemis Fowl series, I don't have a prayer of completing HP.

If I might make a request though? Because yeah, the HPCR has now become quite cliché, but if there's one thing that I _haven't_ seen, and if it has come into existence since I last looked, then I want to know where it is immediately: Grindelwald reads the HP series.

_PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD IN THIS WORLD? WOULD YOU POSSIBLY BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN FULFILLING MY HEART'S DESIRE?_

Like, you _seriously_ have no idea how much I would love you if you made this happen. Like, I really, really, really, REALLY want this to happen. And so that's how I 'planned' my series: around the idea that the main character reading this would be Grindelwald (post-imprisonment, mind you), and the titles I selected reflect the Grindelwald/Dumbledore ship, because of course that would be the main person Gellert would be interested in. And, you know, I would really prefer it not to be OOC shit, because that kind of stuff got old really fast.

If you agree to doing the above, then I'll fork over my titles that I wish so bad will see the light of day, which, if they're stuck with me, they probably won't. I would even be thrilled to beta for you. I'm really busy, so I shouldn't be offering to do that, but that's how desperate I am to see this happen.

If you are not interested in the above, then that's totally fine too. I'll still help you come up with titles and things…seeing as the ones I already have just wouldn't fit. As well, anyway. Our problem now turns to one of communication. I suspect that ffnet still won't let me reply to reviews, and I wasn't able to PM you (you might want to login and 'enable' Private Messaging). So if you're interested in any of this whatsoever, and if we can't come up with an alternative solution, I'll edit this post and add my (real) email address. I would prefer not to give it out en masse though, no offense to anybody.

So, I'm going to turn this panel back to everyone else. I don't have much to add, just my eternal thanks for all the support you people have given me over the years, and to tell you that you are all wonderful people. I am truly sorry that this isn't an update, and that I will now only be doing one book, but I'm afraid that's the way it has to be. Thank you all so much for creating this wonderful experience with me, and I hope you'll still see RAF out to its end. I love you guys so much.

~Kiryn


End file.
